May. 20th, 2017

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(I don’t have a Nate RP blog so let’s just imagine this is one)

Things are well. I wanted to ask your opinion on something. (Nate shifts, looking uncertain). What do you think about- transhumanism? If you could- blur the line between synth and human. Without hurting anyone! Almost no one! No one who isn’t already dead- and deserved it. (in an undertone)

It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a a while and asking Nick is- well, there’s reasons why not. I know the Institute’s views on it but I wouldn’t trust them to tell me the sky was blue. I thought you might be the person to ask. It’s- it’s something that’s becoming increasingly important.
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1. What is one word to shut them up?

Murderer. He is. Not in the Commonwealth, that’s self defence, but before. Murderer. The minigun white hot in his hands, the bodies scattered in flecks of blood and white exsanguinated flesh. Present weapon, soldier. Advance. Fire at will.

(what a joke. What will?)

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about?

No. He’s not going to think about it. He doesn’t want to. You can’t make him. Make it stop make it stop make it stop-

The family is screaming at him. The gun is out but he hasn’t fired yet. The aquifer under their farm is almost pumped dry now, one of the last unpolluted wells in the northern US. The heavy pipes grunt and cough as they reach the bottom and the woman falls to her knees, screaming at Nate what are we going to do what are we going to do-

Die. Starve as the crops fail. Slow poison from the radiation that’s leaked into everything now. Watch as her children’s hair and teeth rot and fall out or stake everything they have on the blackmarket because only the military can afford radaway. Her face is etched into the back of Nate’s mind, a Hiroshima cameo.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced?

Losing his mind, little by little, scrap by scrap. The first few months were the worst because he was still himself, he could watch himself is horror as he lost thought, knowledge, awareness, broke down cog by cog. Worse, some of these memories actually survive.

4. Describe their worst nightmare.

He is still at his desk in CIT. Before, it was a radio. His roommates and classmates are laughing at him. He built that radio himself, and now it’s in pieces in front of him. Come on, can’t you fix it? You’re not one of us, go back to the jungle- and he can’t. He could, just a few weeks ago he could have done it with his eyes shut but now- he can feel the pills gnawing away at the back of his mind, tiny worms, eating him to nothing.

He blinks, and it’s not the radio any more. He’s lookign into Nick’s black, dead eyes, his body, laid out and torn open and nothing but spare parts and he can’t fix him-

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear.

On the surface, Nate fears losing his mind again. It’s something he guards against, and never goes near chems or alcohol. For repressed, he’s afraid of losing the people he cares about, and Nick in particular. For deep dark- well, he fears remembering. He doesn’t want to remember. Everything he’s seen already is so horrible, he doesn’t want to see any more.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick?

It comes from when Nate finally goes to the Institute for the first time, and meets a Courser. These people, these synths- they are his fault. He was the first guinea pig the Institute used, when they were still CIT, that ended with the torture these people were living through.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves?

Not so traumatising, but Nate really doesn’t like his hair. It’s curly, but not curly enough to get a good afro or dreadlocks, and tends to get quite greasy and dirty. Nate washes it a lot, and keeps it very short.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them?

It’s hard to know. There are so many things. Sometimes Nate feels like he’s living in a minefield, he knows where some of the dangers are- power armor, miniguns, food- but there are so many more, hidden below the surface and the only way he knows is when they go off.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness?

Nate is not strong. His bones are frail from lack of food and break easily, he can’t run very far without needing to stop and can’t carry much weight. He also tends to get sick more easily.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness?

Well, his PTSD mostly, but he also has a few ticks and compulsions that put him at risk: he has a tendency to fixate on one thing to the exclusion of other, more important problems- he’d focus on picking a lock even as a hoard of feral ghouls are crashing down on them, and even when he gets his gun out, he’ll focus then on just killing ghouls and not notice, say, the deathclaw that’s just joined the party.

11. Do they have any vices?

Anger. Nate’s fixations carries over to emotion and he finds it very hard to break out of intense emotion. With anger, Nate just- loses any middle gears. It’s not just that he kills, but he draws it out, plays with the person he’s after like a cat with a mouse. It takes a lot to get Nate that angry, but Nick was pretty horrified at Nate’s behaviour when the time comes to sack the Institute. He’s never seen Nate so utterly without mercy and seeming almost to delight in hurting the humans there.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it?

Being gay. Because that was apparently a crime back then. Nate is very glad it isn’t here.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them?

Probably Greed. Not for money, or material goods but for everything. He wants every experience, he wants every pleasure and joy and everything he couldn’t have before. He just wants, so, so much.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… )?

Oh yes. Nate tries to keep these away from other people- for angry moments he tends to try and go to somewhere quite and throw rocks- but a lot of the time the emotions just sneak up on him and he overloads.

15. Who do they hate the most?

Shaun. All the things he’s done, all the lives he’s ruined and tortured and enslaved and destroyed. The revolting, toxic arrogance of him, the emotionless, soulless cruelty. And he is Nate’s fault. Nate made him. Nate is never, ever going to breed again.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior?

Nick, often. Also Preston to some extent. Nate doesn’t mind, he hasn’t got a huge ego and is happy to consider them better people than he is; kinder, more moral, and learn from them.

17. What sound always gives them a headache?

That stupid fucking Civilisation song Travis always plays. It’s a racism pile of shit and Nate hates it. They’d been standing on top of that building, watching the Institute go up in a mushroom cloud, and Nate thought this moment would be perfect… then-

Civilisation, I’ll stay right here!


18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them?

Nate is not a fan of sweet things. Fruit sweetness is okay, but when it comes to processed sugar or honey it’s just too much for him.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly?

No. Nate likes his appearance for the most part. Yes, he’s very skinny and you love to have better hair, but on the whole he likes his body.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable?

Well, Nick loves him, and Nick is a much, much better person than Nate could dream of being, one of the best people in the world, so clearly he is worthy of love. And incredibly lucky.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety?

Before the Institute was destroyed, he was incredibly worried for his friends. Dima and Arcadia, the Railroad, all the friends he has in Sanctuary. Nick. The Institute was hunting them and Nate was deliberately putting himself in their path. He was terrified of what the fallout might be to those he loves.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses?

Yes. Nate has PTSD, a form of anorexia and is on the autistic spectrum.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped?

Yes, he can’t remember it, but he can imagine it. Nora smiling at him, asking would you like to and him nodding, mindless as a cow in a field. Yes. Yes. Whatever you want. Tell me who to kill, who to fuck, when to die. Add more pills to get him to-preform, and wash, rinse and repeat until Shaun came. Brrr. What a sick, foul time.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped?

It’s not a huge fear, but yes, it’s something Nate does live with. There are plenty of foul people in the commonwealth who’d jump at the chance to hurt people any way they could. He’s had a lot of threats shouted at him in firefights- synth fucker, wait till you see what we’ll do to you- but so far, all his would be rapists have had their heads blown off by Apex.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust?

Mom. Dad. Nate can still remember their eyes, as they walk into the police station. He’s still in that red dress, now tatty and filthy. Tony and cold and terrified. His parents; eyes are cold, his father’s mouth thinned with rage. Dad-

I could shoot you right here. Spat back. Nate’s mouth snapped shut, buckled down and buried himself in his red rags, nodded and agreed to everything his father decided. Yes, I’ll take the pills. Yes, I’ll sign up for the tests. Yes. Yes. Yes. His father’s eyes, murderous with rage. He didn’t know how to say no. Soon enough, he forgot how to. 

26. Have they ever been seriously injured?

A few times, but nothing he hasn’t been able to fix. A few bad falls, a Deathclaw that came too close, too fast. Nate binds himself up, shoots down a few stimpacks, carries on.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital?

Nate has no idea. He went a lot to the medical center in CIT, testing every few months and marking down his slow mental and physical collapse. He probably went to ordinary hospitals too, in the war, after getting shot up and hurt, but he can’t remember them.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them?

Arrogance. He likes confidence, but when someone is gone to the point of never questioning themselves, never considering they could be wrong or the people they are hurting.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them?

Well, there are a lot of dangerous things in the commonwealth, so not being able to see them would be quite scary. Nate does fear what he cannot remember, he knows they’re bad. He also knows that the only way the is going to heal, in the long term, is to face he remaining memories. He doesn’t want to.

30. Have they ever been bullied?

He was a brilliant, nerdy black kid in a lower class school. Yes, Nate got bullied. It didn’t affect him too much because he had good support from his parents and teachers. It got a lot worse when he got to CIT, where he was a brilliant nerdy black kid in a university of privileged, not quite so smart white people. Nate managed to deal with the worst of it to begin with, but after the pills, after he started to decline- well, he cant remember most of it. That’s a good thing.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues?

Not so much, he is a little self-conscious about his lack of sexual experience, but for the most part, Nate is comfortable with who he is.

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents?

Nate’s parents are dead, so that doesn’t really count. The last he remembers of them was them handing him over to CIT for the pill treatment, so- yeah, it didn’t end well.

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well?

There was Nora, but Nate doesn’t know what that relationship was like. She might have been kind to him. She might have been cruel. He wouldn’t have been with her if he’d had any choice in the matter, regardless.

34. Have they ever self harmed?

No, although he does wonder if his struggle with food is a form of self harm, anorexia as a way of asserting control over his own body.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be?

Not having an eating disorder. It would be such an enormous relief, not to have to plan everything he can eat, judging constantly how much he can manage, trying to stave off the worst of the damage with stimpacks and purified water. It’s exhausting, even before taking into account the endless hunger he lives with.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them? Nate’s emotions are entirely in control, luckily, most of his emotions are positive. He’s usually exploding with joy and warmth and being friendly, with negative emotions, Nate tries to hide them, but it’s a struggle.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away?

Freedom, and free will. For five years.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned?

Only briefly, overnight in a police station, but it was the last time he was really free, too.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do?

Not really, no.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems?

Not usually, Nate tries to keep his actions in context. If he causes a problem (like the time he accidentally freed a sentry bot) he will fix it. He will fix other people’s problems, but won’t blame himself for them. The one exception is Shaun. Yes, he was a product of the Institute, no, Nate didn’t have any influence over who Shaun became. Nate didn’t even consent to making him in the first place. But Shaun is still his son, and his responsibility. What he did, feels like Nate’s responsibility.

41. Do they get sick often?

Yes. Nate always keeps a stash of antibiotics on hand because he is vulnerable to infections and disease. Luckily, since meeting Curie, she’s been helping him a lot with preventative medicine.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life?

Very much. Nate is very happy with his life. He is very, very lucky.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts?

He wishes he could go back to his past self, the shattered seventeen year old being dragged down a dark, dark path and tell him- it’s going to be okay. It’ll be horrible for a while, but everything will end soon and the world will be unimaginably better. He’ll be happy again. He just has to hang on, survive, just keep going.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t?

Read. Nate misses reading. He doesn’t have much time for it now, and the book selection is a lot more limited. Nate would love more books.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience?

 Joy. Nate is a pretty happy person, and has a lot of what he needs to be happy. He likes the world. He has skills and abilities that are useful. He does work he enjoys. And best of all, he has friends and lovers to share it all with.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide?

Not really in that thought about it, when he wanted to die, it was almost impossible to think, but-

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide?

Once, maybe a year before the bombs fell. Nate isn’t sure how it happened, but for a moment, he was able to regain some- sense of self. It was so horrible he couldn’t even comprehend it, get his fractured mind around what he had become. He had gone into the washroom, found a bottle of bleach, and drank down as much of it as he could manage. Codsworth found him and called an ambulance.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill?

Oh, lots of people. The Commonwealth is dangerous and a lot of killing is pure self defence. He would happily kill the entire adult contingent of the Institute, though.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through.

If he was dragged back to that police station, seventeen again. Nate would grab the policeman’s gun and blow his own head off rather than go through that again.

September 2017

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