skull_bearer | Feeling a bit down...

There are days that I do miss Cheltenham. Not for the place (which was utterly dull), not for my friends (most of them had left) not even for the university, although I do miss learning. I look forward to next september when I can go to uni here. What I really miss is kendo. I need to start again here, and there's a good dojo not far away, but it won't be the same. I still miss the sensei and the more experience members who would also train us, and the sense of community there was between the trainees by the time I left. The dojo started off with more than fifteen newcomers at the beginning of term, by the time I left, it was down to five. Four now. I really miss the people there, they were very supportive during a very hard time and I don't mind admitting that one of the reasons I want to start kendo again is so I can see them again at events. It's a crap reason, but I feel like I'd be letting them down if I didn't start kendo again. It's sickening that the only reason that I haven't started kendo again is that I couldn't be bothered, I told sensei Dodd that I'd start again in London, but I haven't, and I feel that I've let him down, with no one to blame but myself. And the guys at my dojo were the people you really didn't want to disappoint, because they we such great people.

Why do I have to constantly fuck my life over? I'd have been miserable if I'd stayed and I'm miserable now. I just really miss them. Even when one of the guys humiliated me in front of the whole dojo (and the dojos of the whole county) and I ran out sobbing. Even when we went to the tournament and I had the living daylights thrashed out of me. I even miss that.

I need a fucking therapist.

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Oh, yes... Illogical bouts of guilt... You shouldn't feel so bad about it. It's your life and your decision what to do with it. I don't think anybody would be disappointed. I mean, I don't know them, but I guess they'd understand. And if you went there for the great athmosphere, you would be rather disappointed in a different group anyway. I think your friends would see that.
sorry, I'm no good at cheering up.

Was Cheltenham 'home', as in where you'd gone to school and stuff.

I kinda know what you're talking about. I used to live near Peterborough but moved to Liverpool 3 years ago to go to uni. I know that I would have gone nuts if I'd stayed where I was, but I really missed my friends, and I'd used to play in a rock band with some of them and had to give that up to come to uni.

Its always a hard step to make. Were you joking about the therapy. In all seriousness, I went for both counselling and therapy in the last few years and it did help. If you think it will help, its worth doing. I spent ages refusing to go ask for help because I didn't feal that my problems were a big deal and cos I knew my parents would be pissed if they found out. But it has helped.

I'd say when you go to uni, see if there's any martial arts clubs there. I'm a member of the Tae Kwan Do club at Liverpool Uni and its great fun. I went to the uni championships last year and got seven shades of shit kicked out of me but it was great fun ^_^ Also, I don't know much about other uni clubs but there's a real sense of community at U of L Tae Kwan Do. Its a lot of fun.

Sorry if I sound like I'm being a bit patronising, I just thought I'd let you know that I know how shitty it feels to know leaving somewhere was the best thing to do but really miss stuff that you left behind. I probably don't say it very well

Anyways...*hugs*

Feeling a bit down...

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