Feeling a bit down...

[skull_bearer]

There are days that I do miss Cheltenham. Not for the place (which was utterly dull), not for my friends (most of them had left) not even for the university, although I do miss learning. I look forward to next september when I can go to uni here. What I really miss is kendo. I need to start again here, and there's a good dojo not far away, but it won't be the same. I still miss the sensei and the more experience members who would also train us, and the sense of community there was between the trainees by the time I left. The dojo started off with more than fifteen newcomers at the beginning of term, by the time I left, it was down to five. Four now. I really miss the people there, they were very supportive during a very hard time and I don't mind admitting that one of the reasons I want to start kendo again is so I can see them again at events. It's a crap reason, but I feel like I'd be letting them down if I didn't start kendo again. It's sickening that the only reason that I haven't started kendo again is that I couldn't be bothered, I told sensei Dodd that I'd start again in London, but I haven't, and I feel that I've let him down, with no one to blame but myself. And the guys at my dojo were the people you really didn't want to disappoint, because they we such great people.

Why do I have to constantly fuck my life over? I'd have been miserable if I'd stayed and I'm miserable now. I just really miss them. Even when one of the guys humiliated me in front of the whole dojo (and the dojos of the whole county) and I ran out sobbing. Even when we went to the tournament and I had the living daylights thrashed out of me. I even miss that.

I need a fucking therapist.

Comments

[shadowvalkyrie.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes... Illogical bouts of guilt... You shouldn't feel so bad about it. It's your life and your decision what to do with it. I don't think anybody would be disappointed. I mean, I don't know them, but I guess they'd understand. And if you went there for the great athmosphere, you would be rather disappointed in a different group anyway. I think your friends would see that.
sorry, I'm no good at cheering up.