(no subject)

I was tiding my room the other day, and came across an old diary I had kept when I was 17-18. I had a read through it and thought:
1 - Heh, I'm trying really too hard to be cool  and awesome and unusual. I've mellowed a lot.
2 - I love myself for writing down the insanely bizarre dreams I had. Look at this gold:

"I had the weirdest dreams last night. In one mum, and bunch of people and I were hiking in a rainforest, I suddenly remembered I had no water with me and was wearing trainers. I went back to the scouting hut and met loads of old people and a white goblin that brought bad luck.
When I got back on the hike we went into a sodden and rotting field like those in Wales, I saw seven thin cows and one fat one  - lean times ahead.
We got out of the field and into a London house my brother appeared outside and changed first into a giant worm like the one in 'Flight of Dragons'. I went running inside to find weapons, I found matches and needles, then my mum appeared and opened a trapdoor in the cieling above our front door and took down a flamethrower and a chainsaw.She took the flamethrower and I took the saw. When we got out Axel (my brother) had turned into a troll. We killed him but then mum started to turn into a troll and I had to load game (?). The second time I tried I did it myself with the flamethrower. I killed Axel and woke up, the chainsaw noise had been the council trimming the trees."

I need to start keeping a dream diary, this is comedy gold.
3 - I will never, ever, ever forgive my school for having us study Gladstone and Disraeli for final year history, when every other school was doing German history 1933-45. Never. Ever. At all. I can't even let myself think of it for too long or I'd kill something. It would have been the one glowing light in a sea of very dark places, would have introduced me to my favourite subject 3 years early and would have meant I didn't fail history so spectacularly.
4- Wow, my life sucked. I mean sucked. Not simply emo 'I hate my life I'm gonna cut myself', but when I thought at the time I was okay and then I look at it now, read between the lines and realise how utterly miserable I was. Wow. It's just... Fuck man, no wonder it took less than a day with my aunt before having a nervous breakdown -- and that was five years later, when things had sort of improved. Jesus fuck. if I met teenage me again I'd grab her and fucking run until we were as far from that place as physically possible. It's hard to describe, but it was fucking poison.
I have a blow-by-blow account of the night my mum tried to off herself, and the next day when the police came around. Quite chilling, and some of the best writing in the book. It's heartbreaking where I mention that i can't understand why anyone would want to do commit suicide, as I love life.
Love life.
Me, with such a fucking shitting existance I still have trouble believing it. Loved life. Couldn't imagine anyone trying to kill themselves.
I need a hug.
What a poisonous shithole that was.

(no subject)

I was tiding my room the other day, and came across an old diary I had kept when I was 17-18. I had a read through it and thought:
1 - Heh, I'm trying really too hard to be cool  and awesome and unusual. I've mellowed a lot.
2 - I love myself for writing down the insanely bizarre dreams I had. Look at this gold:

"I had the weirdest dreams last night. In one mum, and bunch of people and I were hiking in a rainforest, I suddenly remembered I had no water with me and was wearing trainers. I went back to the scouting hut and met loads of old people and a white goblin that brought bad luck.
When I got back on the hike we went into a sodden and rotting field like those in Wales, I saw seven thin cows and one fat one  - lean times ahead.
We got out of the field and into a London house my brother appeared outside and changed first into a giant worm like the one in 'Flight of Dragons'. I went running inside to find weapons, I found matches and needles, then my mum appeared and opened a trapdoor in the cieling above our front door and took down a flamethrower and a chainsaw.She took the flamethrower and I took the saw. When we got out Axel (my brother) had turned into a troll. We killed him but then mum started to turn into a troll and I had to load game (?). The second time I tried I did it myself with the flamethrower. I killed Axel and woke up, the chainsaw noise had been the council trimming the trees."

I need to start keeping a dream diary, this is comedy gold.
3 - I will never, ever, ever forgive my school for having us study Gladstone and Disraeli for final year history, when every other school was doing German history 1933-45. Never. Ever. At all. I can't even let myself think of it for too long or I'd kill something. It would have been the one glowing light in a sea of very dark places, would have introduced me to my favourite subject 3 years early and would have meant I didn't fail history so spectacularly.
4- Wow, my life sucked. I mean sucked. Not simply emo 'I hate my life I'm gonna cut myself', but when I thought at the time I was okay and then I look at it now, read between the lines and realise how utterly miserable I was. Wow. It's just... Fuck man, no wonder it took less than a day with my aunt before having a nervous breakdown -- and that was five years later, when things had sort of improved. Jesus fuck. if I met teenage me again I'd grab her and fucking run until we were as far from that place as physically possible. It's hard to describe, but it was fucking poison.
I have a blow-by-blow account of the night my mum tried to off herself, and the next day when the police came around. Quite chilling, and some of the best writing in the book. It's heartbreaking where I mention that i can't understand why anyone would want to do commit suicide, as I love life.
Love life.
Me, with such a fucking shitting existance I still have trouble believing it. Loved life. Couldn't imagine anyone trying to kill themselves.
I need a hug.
What a poisonous shithole that was.