To the Nation of Vietnam

via http://ift.tt/2v3rTuQ:
Dear people of Vietnam,

Firstly, thank you for offering me the chance to work in your beautiful country. I have visited in the past and been impressed by your lovely countryside, friendly people, and peerless food culture. I am very much looking forward to working in historic Hanoi and hope not to offend with me rudimentary tieng Viet.

I also want to apologise in advance.

You see, unknown to you, offering me this position in your country means that you have opened yourself top a visit from Unit X- otherwise known as my father. Unit X has not had reason to visit Vietnam before, although he has always wanted to, however, with my present there he will redouble his efforts and I am sad to say he will probably succeed in arriving at some point next spring.

Despite it being nearly 12 months in advance, I feel such an interval is necessary to prepare you, the people of Vietnam, for what you are about to face.

Unit X does not know Vietnamese, he does not know much about the geography and landscape, he does not even appreciate your food culture.

He has, however, watched every Vietnam War movie currently in existence.

I am aware you do not know me, or Unit X. However, you will probably come to know him in his visit. His first words every morning will be ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ he will converse entirely in cliches about war being hell, napalm in the morning, and will constantly question your ability to surf.

I am deeply, deeply sorry for what you will be subjected to.

Please don’t declare war on France again.