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skull_bearer*Playing Mass Effect with Mirek as Commander Shepard*
*Game starts. Eventually. Computer crashed about a million times before I realised I was frying the poor graphics card. Boo*
Mirek: So of course you choose the most miserable background imaginable for me.
Me: Your previous outings have been in AIoM and Fallout 3. At least you get regular meals here.
Mirek: And a gun. Do not underestimate the value of a-- WHAT IS THAT!
Me: Ah, an alien. First time you meet one if we don't count the Area 51 expansion in Fallout 3. I think this says its a Turian.
Mirek: I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO GORGEOUS.
Me: Ah. I was wondering why you haven't been sexually interested in... well, anyone. This explains it.
Mirek: Please tell me this has a romantic subquest -- Blast!
*Badguy Saren shoots hot Turian*
Me: Well, the guy who shot him was another Turian, he's cute too.
Mirek: He has all these wires and bizarre things and I am quite sure he is a 'bad guy'.
Me: Well, at least you get eyecandy.
*Explosions. Things blow up*
Mirek: This is... really rather more enjoyable than I thought it would be.
*Citadel. Lots of Turians*
Me: Stop drooling Mirek.
*things blow up more. Garrus arrives*
Mirek: *is a bit stunned at having his sex drive wake up at this late stage* Me. Him. Now.
Me: Unfortunately I can't find a hack for that. Bioware's engine is bloody gobbledegook. I miss Baldur's Gate.
Mirek: I really don't care *fucks Garrus*
Me: ... Fine. This is going to have its own, internally incoherent canon from now on, isn't it? Fine, fuck him, I'm glad you're having fun for once. You might just learn how to smile one of these days.
Mirek: This is breaking every law on fratenisation isn't it? Well, we'll just have to keep this quiet. It would be bad for moral if this gets out.
Garrus: Absolutely *bends Mirek over the Mako*
*Feros happens*
Me: you know, we've crossed several dozen planets in a machine that handles, and I quote, like a fat man on a unicycle, recruited a lot of non-humans, discovered a race of sentient AIs are trying attacking the galaxy, and gotten you a Turian fuck-buddy, and you haven't so much as batted an eyelid. Now we've killed a giant sentient mind-contolling plant that looks like anus and spils out hot nubile mages with tentacles on their heads, and you're still not even shocked.
Mirek: You made me. Should I be?
Me: Probably not, don't you miss Johannes?
Mirek: A bit, but in this world I don't know him and Garrus is nice and non-psychotic.
Me: Considering you've consistantly picked Renegade options with him... I'm not sure. Then again, I don't think you're in any position to make value judgements on sanity.
*Therum happens. Volcano explodes*
Mirek: Yaaaah!
Me: THAT WAS GREAT LETS DO THAT AGAIN!
Mirek: Yahhh!
*reload. Therum happens again. More volcano*
Mirek: ...and they told me off for destroying priceless ruins. I am beginning to believe the Geth are the only sensible creatures in the galaxy.
Me: Welcome to the wonderful world of politics.
*Noveria happens*
Mirek: This is a horrible planet. The sooner we leave the better.
Me: Don't like the cold?
Mirek: No, I hate having to kill the little rachni. They are really sweet and I like the way they move and their little faces --
Me: Riiiight *Mirek=xenophile? WTF* Like huge, rabid, acid-spitting little puppies, right?
Mirek: Correct.
*hard moral question. Murder the last of a species, or let her loose and risk the rachni wars begin again*
Mirek: This is not easy.
Me: Yes. But there's never been any question what you'd pick.
Mirek: No. But if the wars happen, I am still responsible.
Me: And?
Mirek: And it does not matter what background I have in this universe, the day I commit genocide is the day I sleep with Ashley Williams.
Me: Well, that was final. *paragons*
Mirek: Besides, the rachni are adorable.
*Virmire, argument with Wrex. It carries on too long, Williams shoots Wrex*
Mirek: WHAT IS THIS HOW DARE YOU!
Me: *Equally enraged* Fuck yeah! Where's the "shoot her" option? Ah blast. *reloads so Wrex doesn't die*
Mirek: He is a member of my squad! Kill him and the entire mission is endangered! How dare you! When this mission is over I will take her to a quiet planet and we will have a court-marshal!
Me: Two go in, one comes out?
Mirek: If neccessary! I will not tolerate her any longer!
Me: Yessir!
Mirek: Williams! I hope for your sake you find a glorious death in the coming battle, because otherwise your grandfather won't be the only one disgraced!
Williams: ...yes sir.
*More Virmire happens. Enter Sovereign*
Mirek: ...
Garrus: ...
Me: ... holy shit!
Mirek: I am very, very happy I let the Rachni queen go free.
Me+ Garrus: Mirek, Giant sentient robots from outer space! FOCUS!
Mirek: We are likely all going to die like the Protheans, it is good to know there is someone who might live to remember us. That our memories will live in them. To be forgotten is to have never existed.
*horrified silence*
*More Virmire. The supposed 'hard choice'*
Mirek: Oh. Well. That was convinient. It even makes tactical sense. The bomb was far more important than the AA tower.
Williams: *has glorious death*
*Enter Saren*
Mirek: ...
Me: it's okay, he's still hot. I think he likes you.
Mirek: *meeps and hides behind Garrus*
Garrus: I had a crush on him for ages. What with him being a Specter and all that.
Mirek: *squeak onlydogs varren can hear*
Me: This is totally going to my fetish box.
*End Virmire*
Mirek: I have never been so disgusted. Even in AIoM. This is completely insane. What do they think they are doing! What sort of game do they think they're playing? Is this their idea of a good time?!
Me: We're talking about who now?
Mirek: THE REAPERS! Are you telling me that the pinnacle of synthetic existance has nothing better to do than to periodically wipe out all organic life? Why? Is this their idea of fun? Are they getting anything out of this? And if they are, they why not have a more direct hand in it, rather than just trust all organic life to make their way and hope they haven't discovered a way to destroy you in the meantime? AGGHH THE STUPID IT HURTS!
Me: So... what you're saying is you don't care about the Reapers' plan to wipe out all intelligent life, as long as they're being smart about it?
Mirek: I cannot stand stupidity. If they were not so stupid, they would have found a better way of doing whatever it is they want.
Me: One that doesn't result in periodic genocide?
Mirek: Yes.
*Normandy is grounded by idiot council. Mirek meets Terra Firma party*
Me: Oh this cannot end well...
Mirek: What do you mean the only negative response is 'I respectfully disagree?' Where's the option to kneecap the idiot?
Me: Probably not a good idea in the Citadel.
Mirek: Look at those disgusting people chanting! it's like the Nuremberg rallys.
Garrus: I wonder if the Reapers would accept a tithe system. Feed them this lot first.
*long silence*
Me: No. They probably wouldn't accept tithe anyway.
*Ilos*
Mirek: This place... is not good.
Garrus: No.
Wrex: No.
Me: No.
Mirek: Beautiful statues though.
Me: Any more of this and you'll snog Cthulhu. Go and blow up Saren or something.
Saren: *Blows up. There was no rejoicing. He was hot*
Me: Now. That is a hard choice. Save the idiot Council, or have the fleet focus on Sovereign. Which is kinda important when it might open the Mass Relay at any moment and then we'd be knee-deep in Reapers.
Mirek: Hold a moment. It will taken some time for them to be able to hit Sovereign. It's not an 'either or', it's a 'one or both'.
Me: This one's up to you Mirek. You're the boss.
Mirek: What guns does the Council ship have? I am not throwing lives away for idiot politicians.
Me: It's main gun is bigger than the Normandy.
Mirek: .. save that ship at all costs.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's not what the game makers had in mind for that decision, but fine *paragons*
Soveriegn: *Animates UnSaren*
Garrus: OH SHIT NO.
Mirek: Never, ever, ever going near a Reaper without high explosives.
Me: That's really undignified. Making him crawl like that. *hopes for a Mirek/Garrus/Saren threesome dying*
*outside, the Destiny Ascension buggers off without helping with the fight. The Galactic council is more important than the entire fucking galaxy, apparently*
UnSaren: *dies*
Sovereign: *dies*
Everything: *EXPLOSIONS!*
Garrus: Mirek? MIREK!
Me: Holy shit he's under there? He must be okay, there's a sequel.
Garrus: Oh, no. Oh please no.
Me: Hey, game? No killing Mirek. Mirek killing bad.
Garrus: Will you please shut up!
Me: Hmm, more than a fuck-buddy then?
Garrus: Really not helping. Go away.
Mirek: *appears. Also appears to be suffering from massive internal bleeding. Smiles*
Me: Holy shit that has to be the first time I've ever seen you smile.
Mirek: I am feeling very light-headed and it is as though my internal organs have been filled with bubbles. The ones that aren't currently decorating the floor anyway.
Me: It's called being happy. You haven't had much experience with it even in this universe.
Garrus: MEDIC! Oh, right. I am the medic. *medics*
Idiot Council: *Pontificates*
Mirek: I don't care that they're praising me. They grounded my ship which allowed Saren to get to Ilos first. The completely failed to give me any help which stopped us from suffocating this stupid plan from the get-go, and when the Alliance ships saved them they fucked off with the best ship in the fleet. Give me my rifle, allow me to show off my level 60 sniping skill.
Me: I wish there was a 'shoot the fucking bastards button'.
Mirek: Should we reload and let them die?
Me: Nah, the point of this was going through this game without knowing the repercussions of your actions. It was a good reason to save the Council ship, even if it did turn tits up.
Garrus: Forget the Council, there were a lot of other people on that ship. Besides, we need to --
Mirek: *cheering up* You are right. Probably more than died trying to save them. We probably saved more lives this way.
Garrus: Mirek, we should talk --
Me: *checking morality bars* Aaand you maxed out both Renegade and Paragon at about the same time. You're the nicest consequentialist one could hope to meet. The happiness of the greatest number and all that.
Garrus: I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!
Mirek: ....
Me: ...
Mirek: Oh dear. This is going to complicate matters.
Me: *rifling through the internet* Now, I think you are a romantic interest in the second game, so if I can just look up some hacks I can be having you fucking Mirek in game.
Garrus: *ignoring Me* I know. This isn't going to be easy, but after you nearly died...
Mirek: I understand. It is... mutual... you understand.
Me: *drops laptop in shock*
Garrus+Mirek: *Just look at each other. Rest of world stops existing. probably explodes into birdsong and roses and shit*
Me: Ever feel totally redundant? Ah, I'm glad Mirek's found somewhere nice to retire to now AIoM's ending. Now for Mass Effect 2!
*Game starts. Eventually. Computer crashed about a million times before I realised I was frying the poor graphics card. Boo*
Mirek: So of course you choose the most miserable background imaginable for me.
Me: Your previous outings have been in AIoM and Fallout 3. At least you get regular meals here.
Mirek: And a gun. Do not underestimate the value of a-- WHAT IS THAT!
Me: Ah, an alien. First time you meet one if we don't count the Area 51 expansion in Fallout 3. I think this says its a Turian.
Mirek: I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO GORGEOUS.
Me: Ah. I was wondering why you haven't been sexually interested in... well, anyone. This explains it.
Mirek: Please tell me this has a romantic subquest -- Blast!
*Badguy Saren shoots hot Turian*
Me: Well, the guy who shot him was another Turian, he's cute too.
Mirek: He has all these wires and bizarre things and I am quite sure he is a 'bad guy'.
Me: Well, at least you get eyecandy.
*Explosions. Things blow up*
Mirek: This is... really rather more enjoyable than I thought it would be.
*Citadel. Lots of Turians*
Me: Stop drooling Mirek.
*things blow up more. Garrus arrives*
Mirek: *is a bit stunned at having his sex drive wake up at this late stage* Me. Him. Now.
Me: Unfortunately I can't find a hack for that. Bioware's engine is bloody gobbledegook. I miss Baldur's Gate.
Mirek: I really don't care *fucks Garrus*
Me: ... Fine. This is going to have its own, internally incoherent canon from now on, isn't it? Fine, fuck him, I'm glad you're having fun for once. You might just learn how to smile one of these days.
Mirek: This is breaking every law on fratenisation isn't it? Well, we'll just have to keep this quiet. It would be bad for moral if this gets out.
Garrus: Absolutely *bends Mirek over the Mako*
*Feros happens*
Me: you know, we've crossed several dozen planets in a machine that handles, and I quote, like a fat man on a unicycle, recruited a lot of non-humans, discovered a race of sentient AIs are trying attacking the galaxy, and gotten you a Turian fuck-buddy, and you haven't so much as batted an eyelid. Now we've killed a giant sentient mind-contolling plant that looks like anus and spils out hot nubile mages with tentacles on their heads, and you're still not even shocked.
Mirek: You made me. Should I be?
Me: Probably not, don't you miss Johannes?
Mirek: A bit, but in this world I don't know him and Garrus is nice and non-psychotic.
Me: Considering you've consistantly picked Renegade options with him... I'm not sure. Then again, I don't think you're in any position to make value judgements on sanity.
*Therum happens. Volcano explodes*
Mirek: Yaaaah!
Me: THAT WAS GREAT LETS DO THAT AGAIN!
Mirek: Yahhh!
*reload. Therum happens again. More volcano*
Mirek: ...and they told me off for destroying priceless ruins. I am beginning to believe the Geth are the only sensible creatures in the galaxy.
Me: Welcome to the wonderful world of politics.
*Noveria happens*
Mirek: This is a horrible planet. The sooner we leave the better.
Me: Don't like the cold?
Mirek: No, I hate having to kill the little rachni. They are really sweet and I like the way they move and their little faces --
Me: Riiiight *Mirek=xenophile? WTF* Like huge, rabid, acid-spitting little puppies, right?
Mirek: Correct.
*hard moral question. Murder the last of a species, or let her loose and risk the rachni wars begin again*
Mirek: This is not easy.
Me: Yes. But there's never been any question what you'd pick.
Mirek: No. But if the wars happen, I am still responsible.
Me: And?
Mirek: And it does not matter what background I have in this universe, the day I commit genocide is the day I sleep with Ashley Williams.
Me: Well, that was final. *paragons*
Mirek: Besides, the rachni are adorable.
*Virmire, argument with Wrex. It carries on too long, Williams shoots Wrex*
Mirek: WHAT IS THIS HOW DARE YOU!
Me: *Equally enraged* Fuck yeah! Where's the "shoot her" option? Ah blast. *reloads so Wrex doesn't die*
Mirek: He is a member of my squad! Kill him and the entire mission is endangered! How dare you! When this mission is over I will take her to a quiet planet and we will have a court-marshal!
Me: Two go in, one comes out?
Mirek: If neccessary! I will not tolerate her any longer!
Me: Yessir!
Mirek: Williams! I hope for your sake you find a glorious death in the coming battle, because otherwise your grandfather won't be the only one disgraced!
Williams: ...yes sir.
*More Virmire happens. Enter Sovereign*
Mirek: ...
Garrus: ...
Me: ... holy shit!
Mirek: I am very, very happy I let the Rachni queen go free.
Me+ Garrus: Mirek, Giant sentient robots from outer space! FOCUS!
Mirek: We are likely all going to die like the Protheans, it is good to know there is someone who might live to remember us. That our memories will live in them. To be forgotten is to have never existed.
*horrified silence*
*More Virmire. The supposed 'hard choice'*
Mirek: Oh. Well. That was convinient. It even makes tactical sense. The bomb was far more important than the AA tower.
Williams: *has glorious death*
*Enter Saren*
Mirek: ...
Me: it's okay, he's still hot. I think he likes you.
Mirek: *meeps and hides behind Garrus*
Garrus: I had a crush on him for ages. What with him being a Specter and all that.
Mirek: *squeak only
Me: This is totally going to my fetish box.
*End Virmire*
Mirek: I have never been so disgusted. Even in AIoM. This is completely insane. What do they think they are doing! What sort of game do they think they're playing? Is this their idea of a good time?!
Me: We're talking about who now?
Mirek: THE REAPERS! Are you telling me that the pinnacle of synthetic existance has nothing better to do than to periodically wipe out all organic life? Why? Is this their idea of fun? Are they getting anything out of this? And if they are, they why not have a more direct hand in it, rather than just trust all organic life to make their way and hope they haven't discovered a way to destroy you in the meantime? AGGHH THE STUPID IT HURTS!
Me: So... what you're saying is you don't care about the Reapers' plan to wipe out all intelligent life, as long as they're being smart about it?
Mirek: I cannot stand stupidity. If they were not so stupid, they would have found a better way of doing whatever it is they want.
Me: One that doesn't result in periodic genocide?
Mirek: Yes.
*Normandy is grounded by idiot council. Mirek meets Terra Firma party*
Me: Oh this cannot end well...
Mirek: What do you mean the only negative response is 'I respectfully disagree?' Where's the option to kneecap the idiot?
Me: Probably not a good idea in the Citadel.
Mirek: Look at those disgusting people chanting! it's like the Nuremberg rallys.
Garrus: I wonder if the Reapers would accept a tithe system. Feed them this lot first.
*long silence*
Me: No. They probably wouldn't accept tithe anyway.
*Ilos*
Mirek: This place... is not good.
Garrus: No.
Wrex: No.
Me: No.
Mirek: Beautiful statues though.
Me: Any more of this and you'll snog Cthulhu. Go and blow up Saren or something.
Saren: *Blows up. There was no rejoicing. He was hot*
Me: Now. That is a hard choice. Save the idiot Council, or have the fleet focus on Sovereign. Which is kinda important when it might open the Mass Relay at any moment and then we'd be knee-deep in Reapers.
Mirek: Hold a moment. It will taken some time for them to be able to hit Sovereign. It's not an 'either or', it's a 'one or both'.
Me: This one's up to you Mirek. You're the boss.
Mirek: What guns does the Council ship have? I am not throwing lives away for idiot politicians.
Me: It's main gun is bigger than the Normandy.
Mirek: .. save that ship at all costs.
Me: I'm pretty sure that's not what the game makers had in mind for that decision, but fine *paragons*
Soveriegn: *Animates UnSaren*
Garrus: OH SHIT NO.
Mirek: Never, ever, ever going near a Reaper without high explosives.
Me: That's really undignified. Making him crawl like that. *hopes for a Mirek/Garrus/Saren threesome dying*
*outside, the Destiny Ascension buggers off without helping with the fight. The Galactic council is more important than the entire fucking galaxy, apparently*
UnSaren: *dies*
Sovereign: *dies*
Everything: *EXPLOSIONS!*
Garrus: Mirek? MIREK!
Me: Holy shit he's under there? He must be okay, there's a sequel.
Garrus: Oh, no. Oh please no.
Me: Hey, game? No killing Mirek. Mirek killing bad.
Garrus: Will you please shut up!
Me: Hmm, more than a fuck-buddy then?
Garrus: Really not helping. Go away.
Mirek: *appears. Also appears to be suffering from massive internal bleeding. Smiles*
Me: Holy shit that has to be the first time I've ever seen you smile.
Mirek: I am feeling very light-headed and it is as though my internal organs have been filled with bubbles. The ones that aren't currently decorating the floor anyway.
Me: It's called being happy. You haven't had much experience with it even in this universe.
Garrus: MEDIC! Oh, right. I am the medic. *medics*
Idiot Council: *Pontificates*
Mirek: I don't care that they're praising me. They grounded my ship which allowed Saren to get to Ilos first. The completely failed to give me any help which stopped us from suffocating this stupid plan from the get-go, and when the Alliance ships saved them they fucked off with the best ship in the fleet. Give me my rifle, allow me to show off my level 60 sniping skill.
Me: I wish there was a 'shoot the fucking bastards button'.
Mirek: Should we reload and let them die?
Me: Nah, the point of this was going through this game without knowing the repercussions of your actions. It was a good reason to save the Council ship, even if it did turn tits up.
Garrus: Forget the Council, there were a lot of other people on that ship. Besides, we need to --
Mirek: *cheering up* You are right. Probably more than died trying to save them. We probably saved more lives this way.
Garrus: Mirek, we should talk --
Me: *checking morality bars* Aaand you maxed out both Renegade and Paragon at about the same time. You're the nicest consequentialist one could hope to meet. The happiness of the greatest number and all that.
Garrus: I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!
Mirek: ....
Me: ...
Mirek: Oh dear. This is going to complicate matters.
Me: *rifling through the internet* Now, I think you are a romantic interest in the second game, so if I can just look up some hacks I can be having you fucking Mirek in game.
Garrus: *ignoring Me* I know. This isn't going to be easy, but after you nearly died...
Mirek: I understand. It is... mutual... you understand.
Me: *drops laptop in shock*
Garrus+Mirek: *Just look at each other. Rest of world stops existing. probably explodes into birdsong and roses and shit*
Me: Ever feel totally redundant? Ah, I'm glad Mirek's found somewhere nice to retire to now AIoM's ending. Now for Mass Effect 2!