via
http://bit.ly/2GapGGRYou do, the voice murmurs in Eddie’s head. More than anyone we have met.
Eddie swallows, blinks back tears. Everything inside him is still cold and dead as a forest after a devastating fire, all ash and grit. But there’s something else there now, something warm and sweet as summer rain, tracing its way through him like caressing rivers.
“I’m really not.” He breathes. The other voices are like worms in his head, whispering worthless, pathetic, weak, everyone hates you what don’t you just-
No! But this voice drowns them out, angry and snarling like a big tiger. For a moment, Eddie is sure he can feel its claws in his back, hot breath on the back of his neck, threatening teeth-
No, we will not harm you. You are safe, with us. The claws fade, the teeth vanish; Eddie closes his eyes and sinks into the soft, endless embrace like a hug. He imagines drowning in soft fur, black and orange-
Just black. The voice sounds offended, No fur.
- or maybe like a panther, lean and dangerous. Eddie curled up between its paws, helpless and vulnerable-
Acceptable. The voice murmurs, so low it’s almost a purr. Safe now.
And- Eddie would like to believe it, but all the drugs haven’t managed to silence the other voices, the slinking, cruel, cowardly ones that slip past his big panther and hiss hateful things in his ears-
Your own mother preferred to die than deal with you-
Shut up! And oh- there are the teeth, flashing in his head, the snap drowning out the whispers, sending them scuttling back into back of his head, angry and helpless. No more of that, we’ll keep them away.
Eddie closes his eyes and drifts, not quite in sleep. The awful whispers try and crawl back, but his panther is waiting, hungry and eager to bite at them and for the first time in- years, Eddie can rest.
When the bell goes, Eddie actually feels- still tired, he’s always tired, but not as exhausted as he used to be. And the awful dead weight of him seems run through with bits of the panther, threads of strength holding him together, helping him stand, get dressed, brush his teeth, make the bed.
Eddie blinks at himself, his room. He’s- done? The nurse hasn’t even come around to check yet. He can’t remember if he ever finished it on time.
Yes, the panther nuzzles the back of his neck. We are good, we are strong.
The knock comes and when Eddie opens the door, the nurse blinks at him in surprise. “Oh- well done, Edward. Come on to breakfast then.”
Hungry. The panther growls.
“What do you want to eat?” Eddie pulls his hoodie on, “Meat, right? Panthers like meat.”
A pause, Not a big cat. We are Venom.
“I know you’re not.” Eddie continues. A few of the other patients give him curious looks, but he’s hardly the only one mumbling to himself. “You’re a voice in my head, I’ve got a lot of those. What do you want to eat?”
A pause. Chocolate.
“Okay.”
There’s a cup of reasonable cocoa, some cheap chocolate cereal. Eddie normally has to struggle for just coffee and an apple, but his panther- sorry Venom but it helps to think of them like this- must be hungry, because Eddie can feel it, clenched and desperate inside him. They down the cocoa, inhale the cereal almost without breathing, and tip the bowl back to swallow the last few dregs.
He sits back, feeling dazed. His stomach feels bloated, swollen
Fat, pathetic lard bucket, stuff your face and bloat like a boil-
Die. Venom pounces on the voice, snaps their teeth around its neck and shakes it to pieces. Not fat, very thin. Need to eat more, Eddie.
“Just- gimme a moment.” The fight makes his head pound, the clash of the two images of himself and yes, he knows Venom’s is right- a thin, exhausted guy, shadow under his eyes and clothes hanging off- but the whispers’ image of a swollen obese slob hurts more, so it feels true.
And that image vanishes as Venom eats it too, grumbling to themselves. Not you. You know it’s not true.
“I know.” Eddie agrees, taking his tray back, “But feeling beats knowing, and I feel- wrong.”
We’ll eat it the feeling until they learn better.
Eddie gives a weak smile. “I’m ready to try anything.”
————————————————————————————————
“So, who wants to start? How was your morning?”
For once, Eddie puts his hand up. Eddie? Venom nudges him, puzzled.
“Edward?”
“I- got a new voice this morning.” Eddie feels his face flush as everyone looks at him, stupid, ridiculous, they all want you to shut up, are gonna laugh-
Eddie draws in a breath, but Venom chokes off the other voices, and his head is blissfully quiet for a moment. “It’s helping. It’s louder than the other ones.”
“And what is that voice saying, Eddie?” Ms Ruby smiles encouragingly. She wants him to speak and, without the cruel voices, he can see most of everyone else is looking curiously at him.
“They say I’m-” he can’t quite say it, his throat is tight. Tears burn his eyes. Eddie, Venom runs a paw down his back, and Eddie starts at the touch of claw tips, running down his spine. “That I’m- worth something. Not useless. That I’m-”
Worth loving.
“Worth loving.” he echoes, feeling tears run hot down his cheeks.
Not worth- the voices don’t get any further. Venom growls, drowning out any more.
“That’s good!” Ms Ruby smiles. “That’s a very big step forward, Eddie. Does your voice have a name?”
You can tell her?
“It’s okay.” Eddie smiles. “Venom. They say their name is Venom.”
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