Went to Club Subversion
Jan. 4th, 2009 02:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Spent the evening getting flogged with various whips. Did not get a sexual high out of it, but it was very satisfying. My back is rather red. I am not sure there is a name for people who like getting hurt but don't find it sexy, so I am calling it Kroenen syndrome after the only person in my head who can relate.
I also do find it depressing that I can face a man with a bullwhip perfectly calmly but the idea of anyone touching me sexually freaks me out. My therapist suspects I may have buried sexual trama which I can't remember. This is also somewhat depressing.
I am going to Poland next week, Auschwitz visit 3#. This is not at all depressing.
I don't understand myself sometimes.
I also do find it depressing that I can face a man with a bullwhip perfectly calmly but the idea of anyone touching me sexually freaks me out. My therapist suspects I may have buried sexual trama which I can't remember. This is also somewhat depressing.
I am going to Poland next week, Auschwitz visit 3#. This is not at all depressing.
I don't understand myself sometimes.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 03:06 pm (UTC)tmi?
Date: 2009-01-04 03:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 03:40 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 06:45 pm (UTC)As to the non-reaction part: I suppose it depends on which expectations you went into the whole thing with. If you expect pain, that's what you get; sexy doesn't work when the brain isn't in the right mode for it.
The other explanation is distinctly scarier. Like you need repressed trauma in your life on top of everything... On the other hand, if it turns out to be true (which I cross my fingers for you it won't), you have something concrete to work on, as well as a possible explanation for a lot of your issues. Have you and your therapist come up with any possible ways to try to remember? Hypnosis or something?
In any case: *platonic hugs* If there's ever anything I can do to help, just tell me, please?
(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-04 08:53 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-05 02:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-01-05 05:23 pm (UTC)