Snippet from the scene I've just written

[skull_bearer]

"You know the punishment for. Thieves in the camp. Johannes?”

Schwartz calling him by his first name. Johannes can’t help but swallow this time. His fixes his gaze just behind Schwartz’ cap, staring at the wall. “Loss of privileges sir.”

“For inmates. Dieter. Not guards.”

His stomach clenches. “Death sir.”

“Just as well you. Are not an inmate. Yes Johannes?”

“Yes sir.”

“See that it remains that way. Your leave is cancelled. Dismissed.”

Dear Schwartz. You are evil even for an SS. Case dismissed. You are probably the most fucking evil person I have ever written, simply because you are so human.

Brrr.

Comments

[machiavelli-imp.livejournal.com]

I can't wait to read this story! Having never participated in Nano myself, I'm not quite sure how it works: does the author submit their work to the website and it's automatically revealed at the end of the month?
I've love the tension in this snippet, but the short sentences threw me slightly. Is that part of Schwartz' manner of speaking (in which case I could probably accept it if I had a few pages to get used to it) or did Dieter steal all the commas? :)
I like the barely disguised pun, that Schwartz is black-hearted and if you chop the t out of his name it means "black."

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

His manner of speech reminds me of Captain 'Findthee' Swing in Pratchett's: 'The Night Watch'. He too is an utterly foul and despicable figure who meets a deservedly sticky end.

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

In my opinion evil works better as completely innocuous. It is easy, if you'll pardon my use of a Christian metaphor, to recognize the devil if he's a snorting fire-breathing Lovecraftian horror. It is much harder to recognize him when he is this gentle and soothing being of light. Evil works better when banal than when it comes in the guise of this Rape the Dog Evil Complete Monster.

[skull-bearer.livejournal.com]

I wanted to have some fun with syntax. And, well. The thing is that I have tried to make Schwartz a bit understandable too. He hates Johannes because Johannes had a hand in killing Schwartz' brother. So it is at least partially justified.

[skull-bearer.livejournal.com]

Not really, to be honest it's based more on the honour system. You can cheat at Nano, but all you get from it are a few pixels anyone could knock together in five minutes on photoshop. You just paste in what you've written and it checks if you've done the full 50,000 (or 60,000) words, and congratulates you on it.

And on Schwartz' way of speaking, in Johannes' words:

"Stiff, hard, sardonic, each breath ends with a snap, like an involuntary full stop. It’s like listening to a telegram being dictated."

[underlankers.livejournal.com]

I would note that if my novels about the Empire ever get written, they're going to pretty much be an anti-humans-are-bastards novel. Because one of the non-human generals is an absolute savage monster while a human general is relatively decent for the war in question.

And humans end up doing what they think is evil to one species which ends up under-impressed and proceeds to outdo them. >.>

Revcel.