Saturday 8th September
Dec. 21st, 2007 06:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skull_bearerFinally wrote up my visit to Auschwitz. Very image heavy.
After a rather unsatisfactory end to a nice day, I went to bed and fell asleep almost as once (I slept like a log through most of my holiday, mostly since I had to get up early. Seriously, would you like to visit a death camp at night? No thanks) Had some actually pleasent dreams for once which all featured (rather ironically) in Auschwitz (the memorial rather than the camp, funny that) Pleasant, I might say, for me, since I tend not to find these dreams all that scary. Whether that'll still be the case tonight is yet to be decided.
I'm on the train to Oswiecim. It's tiny and old and so are the two people I've seen on it.
I'm not scared, just... numb. I can't begin to imagine what it'll feel like to stand in front of those gates and try and take in the enormity of what happened here. After Madjanek it might not be such a shock, but seeing it there in broad daylight (it was the first sunny day since I'd gotten here) I don't know what to think. My little notebook has become almost a talisman now,(this is the teeny tiny little notebook I use to keep my Past Tense notes in. It's become a lucky charm) I never read it, I know it backwards, but I carry it with me all the same.
It's finally stopped raining and for once I'm not exhausted since I had a fairly good night's sleep. Despite the fact that the guy beside me was snoring like an aeroplane and couldn't be woken and asked to shut up. I've found that if you ask a snoring person to shut up, they generally do. Unfortunately I didn't know 'shut up' in Polish. In the end I swtiched beds to a free one on the other side of the room and put in earplugs. That worked.
A guy just walked past with a coat just like Erik's.
The sky is clear. But honestly? Where I'm going I think the weather is beside the point.
I think Erik's just about resigned himself as to where we're gong. Charles' still peeved. Fistandantilus shares me fascination. Raistlin and Dalamar are wisely staying out of this one (they are all in my head so deserve a say). Elric is headdesking. He's hated law ever since he found out about Auschwitz.
I think that the Law/Chaos axis has a lot more going for it than Good or Evil, which are far more variable due to points of view. Law and Chaos are usually apparent.
(Elric then takes over the pen to rant. A lot. He's really, really pissed. He gave his life and soul for law to win and look what happened)
The holocaust is the only lawfully applied genocide I can think of, the others are all chaotic. It's definitly telling that it was also the most efficent, I mean, seriously, it by some horrible accident the Nazis won WW2, can you really see it stopping until they ran out of people to kill? Not really. But the others were far less organised. Ones like Cambodia might seem to straddle the line but they're nowhere near as methodical. It was more like Pol Pot pointing at sone random person and saying 'kill him'. Hardly organised. Same with Rwanda, which ended up killing the greatest number of people in the shortest amount of time, but burnt out quickly. Both were incredibly destructive, as is the nature of chaos. Law might seem benevolent but give it free reign and look what happens. It's rare, thank goodness, but once it starts it's almost impossible to stop unless you tear everything to pieces- which, thank heavens, is exactly what happened.
Of course, like a chaotic society, a truely lawful society isn't capable of supporting itself and would eventually collapse- like Stalin's or Pol Pots- but not before causing horrendous damage.
(Elric releases the pen and goes into the back of my mind to sulk)
We can't be far now. I'm getting cold prickles. You wonder, was this the train track they used? When those imprisoned tried to look out between the boards of the train, did they see the same trees I'm seeing now (because what's half a centuary to a tree?) Is this the forest where so many were shot? Where so many waited to be gasse? You do wonder.
Music's rather fitting. Now rather frightenening. I think it's the next stop.
No, not yet. Unaccountably relieved. It is frighteneing, in a different way to Majdanek. That was shock. This is dread.
I've written about this place so much it's familiar. I've read about it so much I know it backwards. Now I'm going to see it somewhere other than my mind. It's truely frightening.
Another ten minutes. I hope I can't see it from the train. After what happened in Majdanek, I have no idea if I'd be able to get up. Won't stop looking out though. Gods, I'm scared. The things that frighten me most are in my mind. This really isn't going to help. (as my father said, you're fucked up enough already)
Well done, you've worked yourself into a state of nervous terror. We're here.
After discovering there are no maps or signposts (I swear this is true. How would you feel to have to ask some one 'Excuse me, but where is the death camp?') and a few moment's total panic I joined with a band of various tourists (no one had a language in common, it was chaos) including two Easten European Beatles' fans and the compulsary Japanese tourists and we managed to a) work out that we were meant to take the bus and b) communitcate it to everyone else. It took us a way and now we're walking in what we hope is the right direction. The absurdity of the situation is painful.
I don't like it here. It's horrible. This isn't dignified (I was horrified at the tourists. At least I'd done some friggin' reasearch and we treating this as more than a day out. In retrorespect it wasn't as bad as Sachenhausen). It's horrible. People are talking and laughing. (This was in the museum rather than the camp itself) It's not funny. It's sick. They gave me a sticker for the guided tour. The sticker has a red triangle on it. (I stuck it on my diary. It's still there) I said that if I had to wear one it shoudl be a pink one. The woman smiled. I hate her. I hate it. Erik is appalled. This is perilously close to mockery. majdanek was better. Silent. Still. If it didn't need embellishment, Auschwitz certainly doesn't.
(Arbeit Macht Frei)
Lovely, sunny day. The gate's almost familiar. It's become such a symbol it's lost all meaning. (This was Auschwtiz 1, the first camp. Most of what we think of as Auschwitz was Birkenau, the sub-camp about twenty minutes away. Past Tense takes place there for the most part)
The fences are not, they're a shock. (again, my eye was always drawn by the barbed wire)
Birenau will be different.
Way too easy to imagine here. No different.
This is where I image Charles' second dream. It's smaller.
If I keep my eyes on the ground, it's far too easy to imagine. Suddenly very real. Walking down the road, head down. Imagine a guard standing in the doorway. Imagine what would happen. He'd shove me down and steal my notebook and the kapo would beat me. The ground's sand and stone. I keep stumbling. I can't imagien how they managed with wooden clogs.
(Inside a barrack)
The stairs are worn.
Death wall. Above it is a flag, striped with a red triangle.
Hanging posts. (apologies for the blurry bits)
Block 11, death block. This was where the Zyclon B was tested. Motorbikes running outside to drown out the screams.
(Auschwitz gallows.)
(in really, really wobbly writing that can barely stay on the line) Birkenau.
Fuck it's cold!
(what a lot of sky)
It's warm, it's cold, it's empty, it goes on forever.
(gas chamber remains)
(closer up)
The gas chambers are being excavated. One's pretty flat, the other's only partially collapsed.
It's quiet, deadens noise. I get a sense of enourmous sorrow here, more than the horror I felt in Majdanek. This really is a memorial, rather than a relic. The horror of it has gone, and it's possible to imagine what it must have been like without it being as terrifying as in Majdanek. Perhaps it's all the people. Majdanek was empty. Or maybe the weather, the sun's shining. There is a sense of death, utter, pointless death, but that's part of the sorrow. Perhaps I would have more of a shock had I come here first, I don't know. It's everything and nothing like I expected. I'm sitting on a memorial where, 63 years ago, thousands of people were sent to their deaths in the now-ruined gas chambers.
I look at the fences and wonder how many people threw themselves on it to escape a horror that is no longer here.
I examine the men's camp and I can rebuild it to the point where I can see it as it was, but I was right. There are no ghosts in Auschwitz.
I wouldn't hang around here either.
To the memory
Of the men, women and children
Who fell victim to the nazi genocide
Here lie their ashes
May their souls rest in peace.
-A tomb beside a pond. Birkenau.
I left my skull braclet their as tribute.
There is a stream here. I didn't know. I guessed right.
Apparently the story about the birds isn't true. I can't see any here. I'm in the woman's camp and there's a cricket. I was wondering about them but they are here. There's a lot of grass.
The woman's section is very still. Here it's frightening. My head's starting to hurt. So very easy to imagine. To be here, you have to turn your brain off. The windows are grimy, you feel like you're being watched. There's a butterfly. And a bird. A swallow.
I wonder if they replace the barbed wire?
They do. I found a discarded piece, so black with rust it's probably original. I took it with me. (I still have it. I think about the place I found it a great deal, watching the clouds through the barbed wire fence.)
The gate on the right of the selection ramp is the one in the x-men film. It looks totally different because the buildings aren't there, but no one can deny that they did their research.
(taken from the gatehouse, looking over the woman's camp. Apologies for the bad photo)
(same, overlooking the men's camp. It gives you an idea of the size of the place. About a mile from one end to the other.)
(leaving and walking back)
Imagine this; a sign saying 'Welcome to Oswiecim, city of peace' (no, I don't know why it's in english either). Now turn 180 degrees, and you see Birkenau.
I want to come back.
(I went back to the museum, to see a film there that had been made literally weeks after the russians librated the camp. While waiting for it to start, I started talking to think old guy from the states. Really cool guy. He was here doing reseach or a friend of his, who was making somethign about Shindler. This friend had actually been one of the Jews saved by Shindler. We talked for ages. The guy had been around during WW2, he'd been young, but he'd been there, and it's pretty amazing to talk to somone who remembers those times. Afetrwards, he was kind enough to give me a lift back to the train station, which I wouldn't have been able to find on my own.)
(on the train)
Saw this grafittied on a wall:
(a sketch of a star of david hanging from a gallows) WHITE POWER!
Wasn't once enough?
(I went back to Krakow, and spent the entire time writing a Charles/Erik fic. Apparently they'd finally thrown in the towel (the Mpreg dreams probably hadn't helped). I got back, got something to eat in a friggin' brilliant restaurant (they served goulash in a little pot made of bread and you can't beat that). Also, the snoring guy had either left or been lynched, so the night was a bit quieter.)
I'm on the train to Oswiecim. It's tiny and old and so are the two people I've seen on it.
I'm not scared, just... numb. I can't begin to imagine what it'll feel like to stand in front of those gates and try and take in the enormity of what happened here. After Madjanek it might not be such a shock, but seeing it there in broad daylight (it was the first sunny day since I'd gotten here) I don't know what to think. My little notebook has become almost a talisman now,(this is the teeny tiny little notebook I use to keep my Past Tense notes in. It's become a lucky charm) I never read it, I know it backwards, but I carry it with me all the same.
It's finally stopped raining and for once I'm not exhausted since I had a fairly good night's sleep. Despite the fact that the guy beside me was snoring like an aeroplane and couldn't be woken and asked to shut up. I've found that if you ask a snoring person to shut up, they generally do. Unfortunately I didn't know 'shut up' in Polish. In the end I swtiched beds to a free one on the other side of the room and put in earplugs. That worked.
A guy just walked past with a coat just like Erik's.
The sky is clear. But honestly? Where I'm going I think the weather is beside the point.
I think Erik's just about resigned himself as to where we're gong. Charles' still peeved. Fistandantilus shares me fascination. Raistlin and Dalamar are wisely staying out of this one (they are all in my head so deserve a say). Elric is headdesking. He's hated law ever since he found out about Auschwitz.
I think that the Law/Chaos axis has a lot more going for it than Good or Evil, which are far more variable due to points of view. Law and Chaos are usually apparent.
(Elric then takes over the pen to rant. A lot. He's really, really pissed. He gave his life and soul for law to win and look what happened)
The holocaust is the only lawfully applied genocide I can think of, the others are all chaotic. It's definitly telling that it was also the most efficent, I mean, seriously, it by some horrible accident the Nazis won WW2, can you really see it stopping until they ran out of people to kill? Not really. But the others were far less organised. Ones like Cambodia might seem to straddle the line but they're nowhere near as methodical. It was more like Pol Pot pointing at sone random person and saying 'kill him'. Hardly organised. Same with Rwanda, which ended up killing the greatest number of people in the shortest amount of time, but burnt out quickly. Both were incredibly destructive, as is the nature of chaos. Law might seem benevolent but give it free reign and look what happens. It's rare, thank goodness, but once it starts it's almost impossible to stop unless you tear everything to pieces- which, thank heavens, is exactly what happened.
Of course, like a chaotic society, a truely lawful society isn't capable of supporting itself and would eventually collapse- like Stalin's or Pol Pots- but not before causing horrendous damage.
(Elric releases the pen and goes into the back of my mind to sulk)
We can't be far now. I'm getting cold prickles. You wonder, was this the train track they used? When those imprisoned tried to look out between the boards of the train, did they see the same trees I'm seeing now (because what's half a centuary to a tree?) Is this the forest where so many were shot? Where so many waited to be gasse? You do wonder.
Music's rather fitting. Now rather frightenening. I think it's the next stop.
No, not yet. Unaccountably relieved. It is frighteneing, in a different way to Majdanek. That was shock. This is dread.
I've written about this place so much it's familiar. I've read about it so much I know it backwards. Now I'm going to see it somewhere other than my mind. It's truely frightening.
Another ten minutes. I hope I can't see it from the train. After what happened in Majdanek, I have no idea if I'd be able to get up. Won't stop looking out though. Gods, I'm scared. The things that frighten me most are in my mind. This really isn't going to help. (as my father said, you're fucked up enough already)
Well done, you've worked yourself into a state of nervous terror. We're here.
After discovering there are no maps or signposts (I swear this is true. How would you feel to have to ask some one 'Excuse me, but where is the death camp?') and a few moment's total panic I joined with a band of various tourists (no one had a language in common, it was chaos) including two Easten European Beatles' fans and the compulsary Japanese tourists and we managed to a) work out that we were meant to take the bus and b) communitcate it to everyone else. It took us a way and now we're walking in what we hope is the right direction. The absurdity of the situation is painful.
I don't like it here. It's horrible. This isn't dignified (I was horrified at the tourists. At least I'd done some friggin' reasearch and we treating this as more than a day out. In retrorespect it wasn't as bad as Sachenhausen). It's horrible. People are talking and laughing. (This was in the museum rather than the camp itself) It's not funny. It's sick. They gave me a sticker for the guided tour. The sticker has a red triangle on it. (I stuck it on my diary. It's still there) I said that if I had to wear one it shoudl be a pink one. The woman smiled. I hate her. I hate it. Erik is appalled. This is perilously close to mockery. majdanek was better. Silent. Still. If it didn't need embellishment, Auschwitz certainly doesn't.
(Arbeit Macht Frei)
Lovely, sunny day. The gate's almost familiar. It's become such a symbol it's lost all meaning. (This was Auschwtiz 1, the first camp. Most of what we think of as Auschwitz was Birkenau, the sub-camp about twenty minutes away. Past Tense takes place there for the most part)
The fences are not, they're a shock. (again, my eye was always drawn by the barbed wire)
Birenau will be different.
Way too easy to imagine here. No different.
This is where I image Charles' second dream. It's smaller.
If I keep my eyes on the ground, it's far too easy to imagine. Suddenly very real. Walking down the road, head down. Imagine a guard standing in the doorway. Imagine what would happen. He'd shove me down and steal my notebook and the kapo would beat me. The ground's sand and stone. I keep stumbling. I can't imagien how they managed with wooden clogs.
(Inside a barrack)
The stairs are worn.
Death wall. Above it is a flag, striped with a red triangle.
Hanging posts. (apologies for the blurry bits)
Block 11, death block. This was where the Zyclon B was tested. Motorbikes running outside to drown out the screams.
(Auschwitz gallows.)
(in really, really wobbly writing that can barely stay on the line) Birkenau.
Fuck it's cold!
(what a lot of sky)
It's warm, it's cold, it's empty, it goes on forever.
(gas chamber remains)
(closer up)
The gas chambers are being excavated. One's pretty flat, the other's only partially collapsed.
It's quiet, deadens noise. I get a sense of enourmous sorrow here, more than the horror I felt in Majdanek. This really is a memorial, rather than a relic. The horror of it has gone, and it's possible to imagine what it must have been like without it being as terrifying as in Majdanek. Perhaps it's all the people. Majdanek was empty. Or maybe the weather, the sun's shining. There is a sense of death, utter, pointless death, but that's part of the sorrow. Perhaps I would have more of a shock had I come here first, I don't know. It's everything and nothing like I expected. I'm sitting on a memorial where, 63 years ago, thousands of people were sent to their deaths in the now-ruined gas chambers.
I look at the fences and wonder how many people threw themselves on it to escape a horror that is no longer here.
I examine the men's camp and I can rebuild it to the point where I can see it as it was, but I was right. There are no ghosts in Auschwitz.
I wouldn't hang around here either.
To the memory
Of the men, women and children
Who fell victim to the nazi genocide
Here lie their ashes
May their souls rest in peace.
-A tomb beside a pond. Birkenau.
I left my skull braclet their as tribute.
There is a stream here. I didn't know. I guessed right.
Apparently the story about the birds isn't true. I can't see any here. I'm in the woman's camp and there's a cricket. I was wondering about them but they are here. There's a lot of grass.
The woman's section is very still. Here it's frightening. My head's starting to hurt. So very easy to imagine. To be here, you have to turn your brain off. The windows are grimy, you feel like you're being watched. There's a butterfly. And a bird. A swallow.
I wonder if they replace the barbed wire?
They do. I found a discarded piece, so black with rust it's probably original. I took it with me. (I still have it. I think about the place I found it a great deal, watching the clouds through the barbed wire fence.)
The gate on the right of the selection ramp is the one in the x-men film. It looks totally different because the buildings aren't there, but no one can deny that they did their research.
(taken from the gatehouse, looking over the woman's camp. Apologies for the bad photo)
(same, overlooking the men's camp. It gives you an idea of the size of the place. About a mile from one end to the other.)
(leaving and walking back)
Imagine this; a sign saying 'Welcome to Oswiecim, city of peace' (no, I don't know why it's in english either). Now turn 180 degrees, and you see Birkenau.
I want to come back.
(I went back to the museum, to see a film there that had been made literally weeks after the russians librated the camp. While waiting for it to start, I started talking to think old guy from the states. Really cool guy. He was here doing reseach or a friend of his, who was making somethign about Shindler. This friend had actually been one of the Jews saved by Shindler. We talked for ages. The guy had been around during WW2, he'd been young, but he'd been there, and it's pretty amazing to talk to somone who remembers those times. Afetrwards, he was kind enough to give me a lift back to the train station, which I wouldn't have been able to find on my own.)
(on the train)
Saw this grafittied on a wall:
(a sketch of a star of david hanging from a gallows) WHITE POWER!
Wasn't once enough?
(I went back to Krakow, and spent the entire time writing a Charles/Erik fic. Apparently they'd finally thrown in the towel (the Mpreg dreams probably hadn't helped). I got back, got something to eat in a friggin' brilliant restaurant (they served goulash in a little pot made of bread and you can't beat that). Also, the snoring guy had either left or been lynched, so the night was a bit quieter.)
