Mass Effect 2
Mar. 12th, 2011 03:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skull_bearer
*boots up, somehow this game is less taxing on my PC than the first one*
Me: Here we go here we go...
Mirek: This is going to be very enjoyable *please note none of us had any spoilers up to this point*
Garrus *grins*
Me: And... we're fighting geth? Oh come on. Mirek can beat them to death with his fists.
Mirek: Not something I would like to try- What is...
Me: That...
Garrus: Oh no...
*Collector ship turns up, blows the Normandy to smithereens. Mirek dies*
Me: WHAT THE FUCK THE SHIT YOU FUCKING GAME
Garrus: *speechless with horror*
Me: *garbled* YOU DO NOT FUCKING KILL MIREK DIDN'T WE ESTABLISH THIS LAST GAME?
Garrus: *goes away somewhere quiet. For a long time. Some things are beyond speech*
Me: Holy fuck. What the shit?
*Mirek gets rebuilt by Evil Scientists. This game has a monopoly on Evil Scientists, I swear*
Mirek: Gnnn, what?
Me: Shit man, I thought they were going to have me play as Joker. Glad you're okay.
*Mirek's been through a lot of shit in my world, but this is almost worse. This is the first time he's lost something he is genuinely invested in.*
Mirek: I've been dead for two years. I've been rebuilt by the evil scientists we spent a lot of time fighting last game. Garrus is gone. No one knows where he is. The Normandy is gone. The crew is gone.
Me: Sorry.
Mirek: ...I need to lie down.
*Evil Scientists are bastards. They drag Mirek straight out of being dead and dump him straight into a mission. Mirek's hands are shaking so hard he can barely shoot.*
Mecha: *shoots Mirek*
Mirek: Gah, oh, that hurts, and we don't have any medi-gel.
*wounds close of their own accord. In a few seconds*
Mirek: What is this? WHAT AM I?
Me: Mirek, please calm down.
Mirek: What have they done to me?
Me: Mirek, this isn't improving the situation.
Mirek: What could improve this situation? I am no longer human!
Me: Please! Mecha with guns! You can heal fast but not that fast. Let's try and get through this.
Mirek: How did everything go so wrong?
*We meet an old member of Mirek's team. They are pretty shocked to see him alive, and rather less than happy to see him working for Evil Scientists. Mission is completed, but the Evil Scientists have another 'surprise' for Mirek*
Mirek: I... I don't... I can't... I.. please...
Me: Please, it's okay.
Mirek: There has never been anything less okay than this.
Me: Please calm down.
Mirek: They even gave me a ship. With Joker to pilot it. They called it the Normandy. This is someone's idea of a joke. Or revenge. They are making a mockery of everything I had.
Me: Please.
Mirek: I can't do this.
Me: Please, for fuck's sake.
Mirek: Isn't everyone allowed to have limits? These are mine.
Me: Mirek, put the gun down.
Mirek: I can't do this.
Me: This isn't going to solve anything! Please!
Mirek: I suppose not. I would be naive to think they would let me die a second time. Maybe throwing myself into a star might do it.
Me: Just... go to sleep. You haven't slept since they brought you back. It'll be better tomorrow.
*tomorrow*
Me: Better?
Mirek: A little. Still feel like being sick. My quarters are ridiculous.
Me: Well, they've left you on your own for now. You've got to build up a new team to take down the bastards who killed you in the first place.
Mirek: I'm getting Garrus.
Me: *Well at least he's put the gun down* Okay, um, we have no idea where to start looking. He looked pretty... cut up. About you dying.
Mirek: I don't know. Maybe the Citadel.
*Flicks through the folders of potential candidates given by Evil Scientist Boss. Archangel*
Mirek: *stops. stares*
Me: That's a million to one chance and you know it.
Mirek: I know, but...
Me: Come on, the Citadel would be a better bet.
Mirek: It is just...
Me: Yes?
Mirek: We are going. Now.
Me: To find Archangel? Mirek...
Mirek: Just... trust me. Please.
Me: *does not argue with the nearly suicidal*
*Omega. Shit hole of the galaxy. Code-named Archangel has managed to piss off every mercenary group in the place*
Mirek: Who else would do something like that?
Me: it does sound like Garrus, I'll admit. Okay, we're on.
*a lot of people want Archangel dead, I mean a lot. Mirek offs as many of them as he can along the way*
Me: You've really convinced yourself it's Garrus haven't you. What if it isn't?
Mirek: It is.
Me: Mirek, what if it isn't? I don't want to talk you down like last night.
Mirek: it is, didn't you hear that merc? Archangel's a Turian.
Me: And doesn't that narrow it down. Fine, let's go for it. Poor bugger can't hold out for much longer anyway, whoever he is.
*Mirek reaches Archangel. It is Garrus*
Garrus: ... it is you. I thought I was seeing things.
Mirek: I... I'm sorry-
*interrupted by gunfire, this is the middle of a warzone*
Garrus: *strangled voice* We - *glances are Mirek's pretty forgettable other team members* We'll speak later... ok?
Mirek: Yes. Later. *mad longing glance*
*Huge fight*
Mirek: It was him! Did I not tell you it was him!
Me: Frankly, I'm really glad it was. If only because you two fight brilliantly together.
*More Huge Fighting, in comes a gunship*
Mirek: I thought I sabotaged that.
Garrus: I thought I had too, must be-
*EXPLOSION*
Mirek: Garrus? GARRUS!
Me: Oh fuck. Game, seriously, are you trying to drive him to suicide?
Mirek: *Roaring Rampage of Revenge*
Mercs: *dead with extreme prejudice*
Garrus: *Really badly hurt, but alive*
Normandy: *arrives*
*Some time and a lot of medical attention later*
Mirek: My hands are still shaking.
Me: He'll be fine. Trust the game.
Mirek: Why should I trust this game any further than I can throw it?
Me: Point taken.
Garrus: *comes in, one side of his face is heavily bandaged* ... hey.
Mirek: Oh... I... *walks slowly up to Garrus* Should you be up?
Garrus: Wasn't going wait to see you.
Mirek: I... *gives up, and they collapse against each other*
Garrus: Have you any, any idea how much I missed you?
Mirek: I'm sorry, I can as quickly as I could.
*both basically speechless for a while, just hanging on to each other*
Garrus: I missed you I missed you I missed you - *pins Mirek against the comm unit*
*Very hot sex ensues*
Garrus: This the first time in two years the universe feels the right way up.
Mirek: I know what you mean. Two days was bad enough.
Garrus: Hmm *kisses Mirek as best he can*
Mirek: Will you come and see me this evening? We both have things to do now, but if you want, my quarters are at on the top level. They're ridiculous, but the bed is more than large enough. If -
Garrus: *covers Mirek's mouth with his* I'll come. Of course I'll come.
Me: We're going to need a crowbar to get you two apart.
Garrus: Good. *hugs Mirek tighter*
*A little later*
Me: Feeling better?
Mirek: A lot. Very much. Thank you. Garrus was right, this is the first time since I came back that I feel as though I have ground under my feet.
Me: Are we going to be able to enjoy this game?
Mirek: As long as it doesn't try anything like these first few hours, it should be fine. I'm still dazed.
Me: Anyone would be. Take it easy.
Mirek: I'll go upstairs and wait for Garrus.
*Garrus turns up, more hot sex. A crowbar won't be enough*
Mirek: I was thinking... I'm no longer Alliance military, and this ship is technically civilian.
Garrus: I would say its technically terrorist, but yes.
Mirek: And you were never Alliance and no longer C-sec, I just thought that perhaps... you might like to stay up here?
Garrus: And you don't care if people notice?
Mirek: I don't care what half of them think, and the other half wouldn't care.
Garrus: You said it yourself, it would complicate matters.
Mirek: They're already complicated. I want you. These quarters are much too big for one person.
Garrus: Then, yes, please yes.
Me: Can we get on with the game now lovebirds?
*recruiting missions begin (Garrus doesn't count, that was a 'keep Mirek from offing himself' mission)*
Me: Who the hell thought up this list? Are we just going to stand in front of the Reapers and be dysfunctional at them until they give up and self-destruct?
We current have two immensely boring Evil Scientist employees which Mirek is studiously ignoring, a kleptomaniac otaku whose been fed too much sugar, a newborn Krogan whose even more psychotic than most of his species, a teenage biotic even smaller than Mirek and even more insane than the krogan, your old friend Tali, a slobbering madman of a mercenary who even Mirek can't stand, an asari Jedi with massive boobs, an assassin snake-man with a terminal disease who has 'woobie' stamped all over him, and a doctor who murders people with farming equipment. Christ on a cornflake guys, and then we have you two. Staging an interracial relationship while working for a human-supremacist group of Evil Scientists.
Mirek: They spent enough money bringing me back, they're not going to risk anything by threatening me.
Me: But we all know you hate them and are only waiting until their backs are turned to stab them.
Mirek: They know that, and they're still not doing anything. I am willing to put this off until the Reaper threat is gone.
*Carry on with the plot, which involves finding out why human colonies are disappearing. They are being carried off by insectoid creatures called Collectors. Crew of awesome just plain weird land on a planet they're attacking.
Mirek: So those are Collectors? They are quite, well, I...
Me: Your xenophillia is showing.
Mirek: I like their eyes, and the way the chitin blends with their hide, and the way they move, it's quite entrancing.
Garrus: I never saw it like that, but yes. Although the eyes are disconcerting.
Me: He at least has the excuse of being an alien, Mirek, you have no excuse for mooning after something that looks like a tyranid.
Harbinger: ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL
Mirek: What the hell?! That's a Reaper!! That's a Reaper, remember Saren? That's exactly what Sovereign did to him when he died! Is the Collector ship a Reaper?
Garrus: it look something like one. Actually, it looks like what you'd get if you were trying to make something that looked like a Reaper but only had rocks.
Mirek: Any other ships around here?
Me: only ours.
Mirek: it must be doing it long-distance.
Ultra-boring Evil Scientist employee: I believe the Collectors have some kind of hive-mind, it is being controlled by its hive leader.
Mirek: That's ridiculous and you know it. This is Reaper possession. I've seen it before. Besides, Harbinger? That certainly sounds like a Reaper.
*They fight their way through the Collector infested town, and stop them from carrying too many people off. More examples of WTFEYESCAR Reaper tech, including something that looks like a flying Collector, but opens its mouth to show a dozen screaming faces. Even Mirek looked sick*
Me: I'm with you Mirek, no way is this not a Reaper. I don't care what the game says.
*One of Mirek's old teammates turns up and bitches at him for 'working with terrorists', then stomps off before Mirek has time to speak*
Mirek: ... he didn't even give me time to say anything.
Garrus: Forget him, he's an idiot and you didn't like him much before anyway.
Mirek: All the same, that's hardly pleasant.
Me: Could be worse, can you imagine if you'd left him to die and saved Williams?
Mirek: Arg, arg, arg. No. Not happening.
Me: Thought not.
*The Collector ship is found, Mirek was tipped off that it was damaged in a fight. Climb on and investigate*
Mirek: I really does look like a Reaper made of stone. And much smaller of course.
*inside, very weird, and organic, lots of pods and dead bodies*
Mirek: No dead Collectors though. The colonists must have died when the ship lost power - Are you alright?
Me: *herp* don't mind me. It's just the honeycombs. I can't bear them. They make my mind bend in ways most people's don't. And my eyes hurt. I couldn't play Half-Life 2 because of it. I'll be okay in a minute.
Mirek: And you think I am odd.
Garrus: I there no question. This is a trap.
Mirek: Nope, no question. No dead Collectors, no visible damage, and we were tipped off about this by Evil Scientist Boss. Please remember that this is the same group that decided to feed my team to Thresher Maws ten years ago.
Garrus: Is that why you always go out of your way to kill those things?
Me: Of course, what other reasons would you have kill off giant Dune-type worms? *raised eyebrows*
Mirek: They are not cute.
Me: there's a first.
*surprise surprise, it's a trap. Open fire, up shields, charge*
Collectors: *die*
Harbinger: *ASSUIMING DIRECT- *BOOOOM*
Mirek: I love this new sniper rifle!
Garrus: I suppose the moral of this is 'don't trust evil scientist types'?
Mirek: No, the moral is - if it's down, don't stop hammering until it's available in kit form.
*lair of the Shadow Broker add on*
Mirek: This is a little awkward. Garrus, do you think Liara likes me?
Garrus: Mirek, she was the one who gave your body to the Evil Scientists in the hope of having you back. I mean, I'd do. But I don't think there are many others who would.
Mirek: As I said, awkward.
Garrus: You don't like her? Most people love asari.
Mirek: Well, I don't. They're too curvy and there's all that flesh, and then they're the tentacles on their heads. Just... no. They rate even below my own species. I'd rather sleep with rachi.
Me: With you, that means nothing.
*Explosions, mad chase through the city in a flying car, more explosions*
Mirek: It is nice to work with Liara again though, she's a good friend.
Garrus: And an amazing biotic.
*Shadow Broker's lair. I'm amazed this didn't kill my processor. Amazing graphics FTW. They eventually reach the Shadow Broker*
Shadow Broker: Muahahaha. I knew all the games would have placed bets on who or what I am, so I will reveal myself to be AN ENTIRELY NEW SPECIES NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF!
Me: WTF?
Shadow Broker: Hey, I had 200 credits on the 'none of the above' option, so sue me.
*The Shadow Broker is a creature so hideous even Mirek can't crush on him. To top it all off, he throws a desk as Garrus*
Mirek: Oh no! NOT HIM YOU BASTARD!
Shadow Broker: I can get a good bounty for him!
Mirek: I'll rip out your intestines and make a noose of them to hang Harbinger!
Shadow Broker: And your little dog too!
Mirek: *Roaring Rampage of Revenge*
Shadow Broker: *Gets taken down by a guy 1/10th his size, using his BARE HANDS!*
Me: This game knows how to make you feel awesome.
Mirek: *races over to Garrus and pulls rubble off him* Are you alright? Where are you hurt?
Garrus: Just my pride. That's twice you rescue me.
Mirek: Oh, please don't count. It's not worth it.
Liara: *Is beginning to realise her love for Mirek is without reciprocation*
Mirek: Are you alright Liara?
Liara: I'm fine, just a little overwhelmed.
Mirek: Are you going to take over as Shadow Broker?
Liara: Yes, the more I think about it, the more I'd love this job. I found some files for you, by the way.
*Mirek checks the files Liara found for him*
Mirek: They're all files on the crew!
Liara: Yes. Don't worry, I haven't pried.
Mirek: *Flicks through until there's only one left. Garrus'*
Me: Now that's just low. And pretty creepy.
Mirek: Shut up. I'm not going to look into anything personal. I just want to check if he's okay. He took my death pretty hard.
Me: Pretty hard? Mirek, he was killing himself. You saw it. He refused to kill himself directly and manoeuvred himself into a situation he couldn't get out of. You saw him.
Mirek: I KNOW! That's why I've got to look, I've got to see if there's anything I can do to stop it happening again.
Liara's files: Garrus Vakarian- Former C-Sec officer. Exceptional tactical and team-building skills. Leadership potential overshadowed by Shepard. Unlikely to fully develop under Shepard's command.
Me: Wow. That was probably the worst thing they could have said.
Mirek: *is suddenly very small* I... I didn't mean. Oh, I don't want that to happen. I want-"
Me: Garrus wants to be with you. The only way he isn't going to be overshadowed by you is if he leaves. He made his choice, let it go.
Mirek: No! I'm his commanding officer! I want what's best for him, I want him to be everything he could be. I... I don't know.
Me: Leave it. Think about it. We've got time.
*Mirek turns back to Liara*
Mirek: Thank you. Are you sure you don't want to come with us?
Liara: Thank you but no. I'd like to have a look around your new ship though.
*Rather touching sequence in which I feel smug because Liara is treating Mirek and Garrus as a couple in the game as well as in my head. The only thing better than having a slash couple made canon is making them canon yourself*
*Liara gives Mirek his old dog-tags back. Mirek gives them to Garrus*
Mirek: I just wanted you to have something of mine. Just.. to hold onto, just in case.
Garrus: *speechless, hugs Mirek so hard it's just as well his bones are reinforced*
Mirek: *fucks Garrus. Life is good*
*Project Overlord happens*
Garrus: ... Mirek?
Mirek: Go away.
Garrus: You did fine. You stopped the Evil Scientist doing experiments on his autistic brother and stopped the autistic brother from hacking into the Normandy's systems.
Mirek: He hacked into my brain. I am now so much machine that I can be hacked into. There's not much that can make that better.
Garrus: I know, I'm sorry.
*Next mission. Creepiness factor x 1,000,000. Find a dead Reaper and climb around inside it to find codes.*
Mirek: I cannot tell you how much I do not want to be doing this.
Me: Fuck, this is phenomenally creepy. Particularly the data logs of the crew. Who are all dead, surprise surprise. And who were apparently reading HP Lovecraft.
Mirek: Imagine reading Lovecraft here.
Me: Thank you for introducing an entirely meaning of creepy.
Garrus: Can we please move? This thing can indoctrinate even while dead and I don't want to stay here.
*husks. Lots of husks. Imagine a version of 'Alien' taking place entirely on the alien ship, with scream, running and occasionally exploding zombies. Which sometimes fuse together into hulking monstrosities and blast you from a distance. Hell on tentacles*
Garrus: Mirek!
Mirek: What?
Garrus: You were staring out in the distance.
Mirek: It is a nice view. You can see the stars from here.
Me: Um... Mirek? This is weird even for you. Focus. Move.
Mirek: *reels* I think it's in my head.
Garrus: Move now. We get this done, we get out. No stopping.
*Legion arrives*
Legion: Shepard-commander.
Mirek: Did that geth just talk?
Garrus: Where did it go?
Me: I heard of this. I thought they were having me on. This is epic.
*The crew finds Legion being mobbed by husks. A heroic rescue*
Garrus: That was a geth. A geth. And we're taking it with us.
Mirek: It can talk, and it was shooting husks while not shooting us. This is the first time an AI hasn't tried to kill me.
Ship's AI: *ahem*
Mirek: Sorry, apart from her.
Legion + Mirek: *have long talk.*
*later*
Garrus: You look obscenely pleased about something.
Mirek: *not even trying to disguise his grin* Apparently the geth who attacked us are just a very small percentage of the total geth force. Most of the geth do not trust the Reapers. They're peaceful. I knew it.
Garrus: You knew it how?
Mirek: because no one species I've ever met have been all good or all bad. I knew it would have to be different.
Garrus: What about Reapers?
Mirek: They... they might be just too weird. It would be nice though.
*Legion's loyalty quest.*
Me: Bloody fuck, they do have hard moral choices in this game. Do you a) destroy the rebel geth who worship the Reapers, or b) overwrite their programming so they no longer do so.
Mirek: Brainwash them you mean.
Legion: We are not human, we are not organic. The terms do not apply.
Mirek: I... I don't know.
Legion: Consensus is split, we cannot decide. You must.
Mirek: They attacked us, they supported a... group that wants to wipe out organic life in the galaxy. They are a threat. I will destroy them.
Me: You have the right to kill them, but not overwrite them?
Mirek: I have the right to react to the choices they have made, and defend innocents accordingly. I do not have the right to remove that choice from them.
Me: That's... pretty deep. Wow.
*Rebel geth die*
*meanwhile*
Me: hang on, why am I back at the Normandy? Mirek? Garrus? Where is everyone?
*Collectors board the Normandy*
Me: HOLY SHITTING CRAP ON TOAST!
*Collectors snatch everyone except Joker*
Me: I have to get down to the hold with you? Is this some kind of sick joke?
Joker: What the shit?
Me: Amen brother.
*entirely new level of horror story, Joker is a pilot with brittle bones, most of the time is spent skulking in the shadows while the terrifying collectors and their hulk-fusion nightmares tear through the ship*
Mirek: MY CREW!
Me: I KNOW!
Mirek: I though you said this game wouldn't pull any more of these stunts!
Me: This isn't a stunt, it's a rescue!
Mirek: Yes, yes! Charge now! We'll tear their base to pieces and save the crew!
*Charge to Omega mass relay and to the Collector base. I have everyone's loyalty up to max and every upgrade imaginable. We could have gone toe-to-toe with Sovereign and won*
Garrus: Are those plans for how to take down Reapers?
Mirek: *embarrassed* I thought it would be best to be prepared. I had Legion and EDI go over them with all the information we have about Reapers. I wish we had more time.
Garrus: Can't be helped. A kiss for luck?
*I had hacked the game so Mirek could actually sleep with Garrus. Unfortunately it faded to black before anyone got their clothes off. Boo*
*Collector Base, mad charge through debris field to the base itself. Out comes the Collector ship*
Mirek: This time is once too often. Garrus?
Garrus: Yes commander?
Mirek: Blow that thing to pieces.
Garrus: With extreme prejudice. *murmurs* This is what you get for hurting Mirek!
Collector ship: *Explodes with extreme prejudice*
Mirek: Now for the base!
*Time to choose the fire teams*
Mirek: *hesitates, then* Fire team one, led by Garrus.
Garrus: What?! Mirek-
Mirek: Garrus, I am your commanding officer, and you will do as I say. You can do this, in fact you can do this better than anyone else here, even me. I need you.
Extremely boring Evil Scientist goon #1: Excuse me but I am your second in command -
Psychotic krogan: She was second in command? I thought Garrus was.
Otaku: Me too.
Even more psychotic teenager: Yeah, me too.
Legion: Who are you, Evil Scientist Goon?
*Bioware kinda failed with that one*
Garrus: Alright, I'll do it.
Mirek: *fingers crossed so hard they almost break. This is the first time they've fought apart*
*Mad fight through Collector HQ. It's even creepier than the ship. Finally reach the end and are fighting to close blast doors against charging hoard of Collectors. One shot gets through*
Garrus: *Crack*
Mirek: *Goes dead white, world starts spinning*
Garrus: I'm fine, armour caught it.
Mirek: I think I am about to be sick.
*Finally charge to the end, rescue the entire crew, and now one last team to choose. This time Mirek chooses Garrus to come with*
Mirek: There is no one else I would rather have at my back.
Garrus: Or anywhere else.
Mirek: A kiss for good luck?
Garrus: *clumsy kiss, Turian mouths aren't built for it*
Mirek: CHARGE!
*finally, we see what the Collectors have been doing. They've been building a Reaper. Which is done by liquefying living beings, and growing a Reaper out of it. A human Reaper.*
Mirek's brain: *Mercifully shuts down at this point. There will be plenty of time to go over this in nightmares. For now, he relies for the first time on the very simply human reaction of "AARRGH WTF IS THAT KILL IT NOW"*
Human Reaper: *Is killed now The less detail gone into the better. Mirek won't be the only one having nightmares*
Mirek: Right. Now we blow the base up.
Comm link: Hello? This is Evil Scientist Boss. We don't want you to blow it up. Just sterilise it of all life, and we can study it. Yeah... study it...
Me: Fuck no.
Garrus: Fuck no!
Mirek: FUCK NO!
*base blows up. Yeah, seriously. No way are we handing Reaper tech over to Mad Scientists. No point saving the galaxy from Reapers if Evil Scientists later blow it up anyway*.
Me: So, from what was billed as a suicide mission we have a final tally of no one dead, no one even badly wounded, one dead Collector ship, one dead Reaper, one pissed of group of Evil Scientists and... oh dear.
Mirek: What?
Me: Nothing dear, just a cut scene.
Mirek: What of?
Me: *voice increasingly high-pitched* Nothing Mirek! Nothing! Just... enjoy your holiday, okay?
Mirek: Holiday? What the-
Garrus: I think we've all needed a break.
Mirek. I suppose you're right, but first-
*Finally do Zaeed Massini's Loyalty Mission. By do, I mean, leave the bastard merc son of a bitch lying under a girder while the an oil refinery burns down around him*
Zaeed Massini: I'LL GET YOU SHEPARD!
*Mirek and Garrus fly away in the Normandy*
IlovethisgameIlovethisgameIlovethisgameI