Iron Man 3

[skull_bearer]

Well, that was an incoherent, schizophrenic pile of crap.

I mean, I actually don't know where to start. I can basically remember the plot of IM2, and I saw that something like 6 months ago and I fully admit it wasn't that great. This one? It's been less that six hours and I still don't have a clue what the hell I watched. Really, watched is too kind a term, 'suffered through' or 'had inflicted on' is more accurate.

This is, as far as I can recall in this state of bewilderment and slowly dawning NERDRAGE FROM HELL, is how it went down:

Tony: My past is coming back to haunt me!
Me: Cool! AIM, I know these guys. And Extremis! This is going to be epic!
Tony: I'm suffereing from PTSD!
Me: About time too.
Tony: Which is being played for comic relief!
Me: wat
Film: See Tony take another pratfall! And groin strikes! Everyone llikes groin strikes!
Me: What the fuck.
Pepper: I am totally unlikeable and threaten to leave Tony when he comes clean and explains he actually has a problem!
Me: Ummm
Mandarin: I'm using the symbol of the Ten Rings!
Nobody: Actually comments of this.
Me: Umm Tony? Ten Rings? The guys who kidnapped you? Hello?
Tony: *is an idiot*
Me: Ah, back to form.
Creepy guy from AIM: I appear to be driving a wedge between Tony and Pepper which seems pointless because tthe wedge is already there and is ten miles wide.
This whole subplot: Goes nowhere. Get used to it, we'lll be seeing it A LOT!
Mandarin: *Blows up mansion*
Dummy and bots: *die totally unmourned*
Tony: *has humerous pratfall*
Pepper: Wears suit for ten fucking seconds. That's all folks' sorry if you were expecting Pepper kicking arse or anything. LOL no she's back to damsel in distress*
Me: Begins to realise this film is going to suck. Starts texting and tweeting warnings*
Tony: Is dead. No, really. No one saw the huge flying metal suit escaping. No one. really. All that press was just there for show.
Tony: *Crash lands. Humerous pratfalls ensue among sad music and mourning*
Most annoying kid ever: I am being cute and stuffed down your throat harder than that fucker from the second Indiana Jones Movie. You will want to force-feed me my own eyeballs after ten minutes.
Film: He is cute! HE IS CUTE! He and Tony bond over daddy issues.\
Me: Die. In. A. Fire.
Film: *gets really weird, now burning people are aafter Tony because Extremis has trhe healing power of fire now for some reason. I don't know how they know he's still alive because this film is making less fucking sense than XM3 at this point. Oh, and Pepper is kidnapped, because what else is she there for?
Tony: Has humerous pratfalls, invades enemy territory with equipment made of Christmas ornaments and toys.
Me: Am headdesking royally.
Mandarin: Is actually a random bundle of British stereotypes created by AIM to cover up the fact that Extremis sometimes makes people explode, only not because this is all a scheme for AIM guy to get revenge on Tony for standing him up once, only not because AIM actually wants to kidnap the president of the US and burn him alive in oil because reasons.
Tony: *calls up hundreds of suits that would have been REALLY USEFUL around the beginning of this film. You know, when YOUR HOUSE WAS BEIING BLOWN UP.
Pepper: Gets Extremis-ed, appears to die only everyone fucking knows she didn't.
Bad guy: Dies about six times, I stopped paying attention after the third attempt.
Pepper: Suddenly turns into action-hero girl and can use the suit even though Tony said five minutes ago it was coded only to him.
Tony: I love you. I will now destroy the Iron man suits.
Iron man suits: Explode like pretty confetti.
Tony: I will now fix Pepper. Fuck knows how. It's not explained. I will also now have basic surgery to remove those inoperable shards of shrapnel in my chest. You know, the ones I nearly died from int he first two films.
BUT I'M STILL IRON MAN
Me: So totally done with this film.

I have read, and am currently writing, fic that is less cracky than this shit. This is a huge steaming pile of fail. It has some good ideas, but none of them are resolved. Tony with PTSD? Not resolved? Iron Man? A hobby and waste of time. Avengers? Barely mentioned? Bruce? Not mentioned at all. Everything seems like it came from about seven different films. There were good ideas? The Mandarin being a joke was actually very funny and probably the only way you can make a Mandarin without Yellow Peril. But it was painfully stupid, and devolved into pratfalls at the most inappropriate times. It was a mess. I felt insulted watching it.

Going to be ignoring that one folks.

Comments

[skull-bearer.livejournal.com]

Resolved not necessarily as in 'fixed', but in finding some sort of closure. I'm aware of how PTSD works IRL, but in a narrative story like a film, if an issue is brought up it needs to be resolved in some way by the end, I have no idea what they were even thinking, and using PTSD as a laughing point is disgusting.