Some advice
Dec. 14th, 2010 02:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
skull_bearerSo, the last few week have been a charm (except for the deadly-lethal cold, o'course), I got into uni, paramour has a job, I got sent 500 euros out of the blue by my grandmother (found out later it was because one of my epic aunts nagged her into it), I will have a little brother, and AIoM is now 2 chapters from finished, so I'm well on my way to having the first draft done by the year's end, just over 2 years since I started the blessed thing.
So, what's the fly in my aspic?
Well, quite beside the fact that this country is steadily sliding down the tubes and I'm starting to look at Germany with ever more eager eyes, my family has been less than ideal lately. My brother has reared his ugly head and decided that his vendetta against me should be stretched to making everyone else miserable, as his vendetta is failing pathetically since I haven't seen him since November last year. He has a completely unexplainable loathing of paramour (all the more bewildering for he's never met the guy) and refuses to meet him, speak with him, or even think about him. He being the only one of my aquaintances who think badly of paramour, as everyone else has been completely charmed by him and think I'm on a very good thing.
Anyway, last year he refused to allow a family Christmas, either I would go or he would. Or else I'd leave paramour alone (yeah right). I told him to stop being such a tit, to think of mum for whom a family Christmas clearly meant a lot, and pointed out that his girlfriend had been technically underage when he started dating her and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
At which point he went predictably ballistic and we've not spoken to each other since.
Apparently this wasn't enough though, because this Christmas he's announced that not only will he not be attending Christmas dinner, he will also be staying in my mother's flat and we have to spend Christmas elsewhere on pain of him being completely unbearable all evening.
Let me remind you that this git is twenty fucking three and doing a BA in international politics.
When my mother told me this my jaw hit the table and I told her in no small words to kick him out for the night if he was going to behave like a three year old. It's her place and he's not even paying rent. If we can't have the dinner at her place, we'll have to have it my stepdad's, which is an okay place; but rather cold and the rooms are not the biggest, not to mention it's in central London with really bad parking. My mother's place, on the other hand, as well as being somewhere with a lot of (mostly good, when you get down to it) memories, has large rooms, a lovely gas fire and isn't too far from the North Circular, making it much easier to get to in the Christmas traffic (and out of the C zone). And paramour was really looking forward to Christmas there too.
Our place is out of the question, as it's tiny for us and would burst at the seam with any more.
Anyway, my mother's answer was that the only place my brother could go to was my father's, and he doesn't do Christmas. I told her too fucking tough, if he wants a Christmas he can button up and behave his bloody age and take it with us. My mother however does not want a fuss (and dear god can my brother be unbearable if he wants to be) and would rather bend to his demands than put her foot down.
I suppose I always wondered if my impression that my mother was lighter on my brother than me was real or just plain sibling jealousy. Well, I have my answer. When I behaved even a fraction as badly when I was 17, I got thrown out of the house for three days (I went to my dad's).
Anyway, I was right pissed and told my mother she wouldn't get anywhere if she let him kick her around like this. She basically told me the matter was closed and she didn't want to talk about it. I can't imagine what it's like living with my brother at present, but it can't be fun. I did what I usually do at moments like this, which is to call my aunt and ask her advice. She agreed that my mother should put her foot down, and the best way to encourage that would be for me to skip Christmas with her instead of letting my brother push us around. I didn't think this was a good idea, and anyway, I'd asked two of my friends to come for Christmas so it would hardly be fair on them if I called it off. My aunt then suggested I insist on having Christmas at my mother's place, and my brother could like it or lump it.
I thought that one over, and the more I think about it, the better it seems. To be honest, I think all it'll do is to call my brother's bluff and he'd skip Christmas. If he doesn't, he's stuck being a bastard to paramour (who's got a very, very long fuse) in front of me, my mother, my stepfather, and two of my friends. It wouldn't look good at all.
The only problem with that plan is that while I can leave at any time, and paramour too, my mother's going to be stuck and bear the brunt of my brother's gittishness. While I think she really needs to stand up to him, it's easy to say that at a safe distance on the other side of London. It's hard to forget that last time she tried to throw him out, he almost broke down the door.
Anyway, I would like some advice if anyone could spare it. I'm planning to talk this over with my stepfather before suggesting it to my mother. He's got a better idea of the dynamics, and has been on the recieving end of my brother's stubborn nastiness before.
(Incidentally, Reg, if you're reading this, could you not tell mum straight away? I'd rather talk it over with you first. You know Axel, give an inch and he'll take a mile, and I don't like the idea on ceading to him on this (sorry about what I said about your house, but you have to admit, it's not the most festive of places).)
So, what's the fly in my aspic?
Well, quite beside the fact that this country is steadily sliding down the tubes and I'm starting to look at Germany with ever more eager eyes, my family has been less than ideal lately. My brother has reared his ugly head and decided that his vendetta against me should be stretched to making everyone else miserable, as his vendetta is failing pathetically since I haven't seen him since November last year. He has a completely unexplainable loathing of paramour (all the more bewildering for he's never met the guy) and refuses to meet him, speak with him, or even think about him. He being the only one of my aquaintances who think badly of paramour, as everyone else has been completely charmed by him and think I'm on a very good thing.
Anyway, last year he refused to allow a family Christmas, either I would go or he would. Or else I'd leave paramour alone (yeah right). I told him to stop being such a tit, to think of mum for whom a family Christmas clearly meant a lot, and pointed out that his girlfriend had been technically underage when he started dating her and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
At which point he went predictably ballistic and we've not spoken to each other since.
Apparently this wasn't enough though, because this Christmas he's announced that not only will he not be attending Christmas dinner, he will also be staying in my mother's flat and we have to spend Christmas elsewhere on pain of him being completely unbearable all evening.
Let me remind you that this git is twenty fucking three and doing a BA in international politics.
When my mother told me this my jaw hit the table and I told her in no small words to kick him out for the night if he was going to behave like a three year old. It's her place and he's not even paying rent. If we can't have the dinner at her place, we'll have to have it my stepdad's, which is an okay place; but rather cold and the rooms are not the biggest, not to mention it's in central London with really bad parking. My mother's place, on the other hand, as well as being somewhere with a lot of (mostly good, when you get down to it) memories, has large rooms, a lovely gas fire and isn't too far from the North Circular, making it much easier to get to in the Christmas traffic (and out of the C zone). And paramour was really looking forward to Christmas there too.
Our place is out of the question, as it's tiny for us and would burst at the seam with any more.
Anyway, my mother's answer was that the only place my brother could go to was my father's, and he doesn't do Christmas. I told her too fucking tough, if he wants a Christmas he can button up and behave his bloody age and take it with us. My mother however does not want a fuss (and dear god can my brother be unbearable if he wants to be) and would rather bend to his demands than put her foot down.
I suppose I always wondered if my impression that my mother was lighter on my brother than me was real or just plain sibling jealousy. Well, I have my answer. When I behaved even a fraction as badly when I was 17, I got thrown out of the house for three days (I went to my dad's).
Anyway, I was right pissed and told my mother she wouldn't get anywhere if she let him kick her around like this. She basically told me the matter was closed and she didn't want to talk about it. I can't imagine what it's like living with my brother at present, but it can't be fun. I did what I usually do at moments like this, which is to call my aunt and ask her advice. She agreed that my mother should put her foot down, and the best way to encourage that would be for me to skip Christmas with her instead of letting my brother push us around. I didn't think this was a good idea, and anyway, I'd asked two of my friends to come for Christmas so it would hardly be fair on them if I called it off. My aunt then suggested I insist on having Christmas at my mother's place, and my brother could like it or lump it.
I thought that one over, and the more I think about it, the better it seems. To be honest, I think all it'll do is to call my brother's bluff and he'd skip Christmas. If he doesn't, he's stuck being a bastard to paramour (who's got a very, very long fuse) in front of me, my mother, my stepfather, and two of my friends. It wouldn't look good at all.
The only problem with that plan is that while I can leave at any time, and paramour too, my mother's going to be stuck and bear the brunt of my brother's gittishness. While I think she really needs to stand up to him, it's easy to say that at a safe distance on the other side of London. It's hard to forget that last time she tried to throw him out, he almost broke down the door.
Anyway, I would like some advice if anyone could spare it. I'm planning to talk this over with my stepfather before suggesting it to my mother. He's got a better idea of the dynamics, and has been on the recieving end of my brother's stubborn nastiness before.
(Incidentally, Reg, if you're reading this, could you not tell mum straight away? I'd rather talk it over with you first. You know Axel, give an inch and he'll take a mile, and I don't like the idea on ceading to him on this (sorry about what I said about your house, but you have to admit, it's not the most festive of places).)
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-14 05:00 am (UTC)I'm confused: your mom said the matter is closed... what does that mean? Is she going to take any position at all on Christmas evening? Did she uninvite you and your friends or did she just say "If you show up, Axel said he will do this." ?
If the latter, it sounds to me like your mom is being more than a little enabling of Axel's bad behavior, especially if she took no position at all with you except to rely his ultimatum and then stand back to let the kids slug it out over possession of Christmas.
If it was me? I'd skip it. Your mom either wants you there or she doesn't, but either way, she needs to think about her part in this (or lack of) and take responsibility for the way the chips fall. She can't be a bystander in her own home with her own children. Your aunt is right: the best way to encourage her to begin thinking of what she really wants is to simply absent yourself and take your friends, the lovely paramour, and your own good company to a better party.
Good luck!
PS: You spoke about being fair to your two friends. No offense, but if I was your guest, I would have rather bathe with a sponge made out of cactus than endure a holiday evening trapped with a feuding family, so either keep your guests away from family drama or let them know fully beforehand what they may be letting themselves in for. That way they can decide whether or not they really want to attend. And who knows? If you're really set on challenging your brother and having Xmas at your mum's, you might have a pair of willing and (metaphorically) well-armed allies instead of dinner guests. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-14 12:57 pm (UTC)It's a good point about my friends, I will tell them first chance I get.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-14 08:28 am (UTC)Oh hell!
I've been having my usual Xmas angst over on mine due to family matters (in my case the parental units- my brother is the cool one :o)
and I can only sympathise hugely.
Your damnfool brother needs his arse booting through his skull-
And this twerp is considered bright enough to be at uni? Grow up already FFS why doesn't he?!
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-14 01:07 pm (UTC)I'd say, your mom needs to put her foot down, and not just for Christmas, but if she doesn't, well, you can't force her, even though it'd be for her own good, without putting even more stress on her. And the last thing you want is a family-internal power struggle over holiday dinner (believe me, I've been there.
So, instead I'd say, flip your brother the bird: have dinner elsewhere -- possibly don't even tell him where. And proceed to have a wonderful time while he stews in his Pyrrhic victory, alone at your mom's place. Because if he insists on behaving like a toddler, he needs to be treated like one. Ignore the kid and the tantrum will stop after a while, too.
Also, that way you not only spare your mom the stress, but also spare yourself and everyone else a Christmas dinner sitting on the metaphorical volcano. Extra benefit: you come out smelling like roses because you didn't stoop to his level and potential ruination that takes place despite your mom's efforts at least can't be blamed on you, because you didn't "provoke" him (as he'd indubitably turn it around) in any way.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-15 02:11 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-16 10:18 am (UTC)